Waking Nightmares: Remix Heart
by KnightMysterio
Summary: A reboot of Waking Nightmares. Celestia has been suffering from nightmares, and her sister Luna cannot seem to stop them. On top of things, the dreaded Queen Chrysalis and is finally standing trial, several world leaders attending to help decide her fate. On top of everything else, nine ponies and a dragon from another world have arrived, apparently sent there by a mad wizard...
1. Prologue: Things Start Complicated

_**Waking Nightmares: Remix Heart**_

 _ **by Jonathan "KnightMysterio" Spires**_

 _ **Prologue: Things Start Complicated**_

 _All characters not original copyrighted to their original owners. If you like my work, please support me on or with a one time donation!_

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Canterlot...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

From the mists of everypony's dreams, a dark blue figure emerged, sporting wings and horn, the image of the moon on a night sky adorning her flanks. She was Princess Luna, co-ruler of Equestria, guardian of the night. And she was worried.

Luna frowned as she finished her rounds for the evening. She teleported to her sister's chambers. She let them cast the appropriate identification spells, and spoke. "Our sister's sleep is troubled, but for some reason we cannot enter her dreamscape. We would speak to her directly."

The guards hesitated for a moment, and let her in. "Please help her..." one of the guards asked softly, breaking his stoic facade.

The door opened, revealing Celestia's chambers. They were subtly decorated, with a sun motif. Most prominent was a painting of Celestia and Luna standing side by side, nuzzling each other. Luna smiled at it briefly before turning her attention to the twitching, squirming form beneath the blankets.

"Sister," Luna said, getting into bed with the ivory alicorn and gently stroking her colorful mane. "Sister please, it's all right. It's just a dream..."

Celestia whimpered, her forelegs twitching as she cried. Luna nuzzled her, wishing she could do more. "It's going to be okay, sister. It's going to be okay..."

Celestia jolted awake, looking around frantically, panting for breath. "L-Luna...?" she said, the solar princess shivering. After a moment, she glomped onto Luna, hugging her tightly. "Oh Luna..."

"It's all right, sister, it's okay..." Luna said. "It was all just a dream..."

Celestia shook her head. "It felt so real, though... As real as one of my prophetic visions..." she said.

Luna frowned. "If it was a vision, then we both would have it, shared through our link," she said.

"I know, I know, and that's part of what makes this so frustrating," Celestia said.

Luna sighed. "I cannot access your dreams, sister," she said. "Ever since you started having them, I haven't been able to get into your dream realms. Something outside is blocking me."

"You can tell that?" Celestia asked.

"I know the difference between when something is keeping me out and when somepony is trying to block me from seeing something they don't want me to," Luna said. She smirked, and added, "Like that one time I accidentally walked into a dream you were having about stallions made of cake."

Celestia blushed, although she was smiling. Luna's attempt at levity had worked. "Well, yes, um..."

Luna giggled, glad her sister was smiling again. "Still... This is worrisome. The past three days now, you've had these terrible dreams. And I haven't been able to do anything to ease them.. "

Celestia shook her head. "Perhaps an outside force?" she suggested.

"Probable," Luna thought. "And more likely than we may think, considering what is happening at the end of the week."

"Queen Chrysalis's trial," Celestia said softly. "Two years of searching, and we have finally caught her..."

"Dragon Lord Ember, Cadance and Shining, King Thorax, Prince Rutherford, Ambassador Catrina of Abyssina, King Crunch of the Diamond Dogs, Ambassador Anthem of Seaquestria, Prince Van Hammer of the Donkey lands, Senator Scorpan of the United Daemonkin Republic, Sunset Shimmer acting as a representative for human interests, High Priestess Rudolph of the Caribou, Grand Mambo Morowa of Zebrica, Prince Sima Bolin of the Qilin, President Mac Daddy of Labrynna, Baron Garrus of the Griffon territories, Ambassador Farooq of Saddle Arabia, Juggernaut Dejen of the Elephant kingdoms..." Luna shook her head. "All of them coming to PONYVILLE Of all places... And they couldn't be dissuaded."

Celestia chuckled. "Something about being in the home town of the heroes who saved the world repeatedly appeals to outsiders," she said.

"The poor fools," Luna quipped, both sisters laughing, and then sighing.

"How many times has Twilight given herself a stroke trying to figure out the logistics?" Luna asked.

"Three times," Celestia said. "Spike's taken to drugging her food to get her to sleep."

"The boy's a hero in his own way," Luna said.

The two sisters stared out into the night sky for a long moment. "This cannot continue," Luna said. "If this is an attack, then it's an attempt to sabotage the former Queen's trial. As the judge and mediator, you have the most important role. You need sleep, a proper, restful sleep." She took a deep breath. "At least until the end of Chrysalis's trial, I am going to use a spell to suppress your dreams."

Celestia nodded, sighing. "I was about to suggest that myself," she said. "This trial is too important for me to be troubled by these dreams. I wish I could remember them..."

Luna frowned. "Not a single detail?" she said.

Celestia shook her head. "Only one," she said. "In many of them, I am the Daybreaker."

Luna's ears drooped in alarm. Daybreaker was an imaginary creature, conjured up by a troubled pony's dreams when her attempt to help Luna and Celestia work out their differences seemed to backfire. "...Do you think you are starting to become her?"

"I don't know, Luna," Celestia said after a long moment. "And that is what frightens me."

Luna nuzzled her older sister. "Fear not," the dark alicorn said. "For I am always with you. And I will always protect you."

Celestia smiled warmly. "Luna... thank you..."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

A world away...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"Amigo... You feelin' okay? 'Cause you're lookin' kinda sorta.. possessed..." said a demonic book with a bomb in its mouth.

The wizard holding the book cackled. His brown robes were stained with blood, and the demonic skull he wore as a hat had flames coming out of its eyesockets. "It thinks it knows us, it does. It thinks it knows Merasmus. But silly Bombinomicon knows nothing," the wizard rasped, his eyes wide and bloodshot, his face twisted into a smile.

"Merasmus, please, don't do this!" screamed a woman's voice from the pit.

The book looked down into the pit. "Seriously, this is so stupidly out of character for you it's not even funny. What's going on?" the Bombinomicon asked.

Merasmus didn't seem to hear him, pacing back and forth. "I am/we are/they are listening. I hear them/us/myself, and they/we/I am SCREAMING! Always in my/our/their head, the voices, the voices..."

"Those voices should have told you to be a better roommate, maggot!" screamed a gruff voice from the pit. "You are NOT getting your security deposit back after this!"

"Soldier, for the love of God, let us handle this!" said a voice with an Australian accent.

"Gettin' a little uncomfortable with this, Merasmus," the Bombinomicon said, a nervous expression coming to the book's 'face.'

"No no no no no I can't I can't I can't," Merasmus chanted madly. "I/they/we have to do this otherwise it will come for me me MEHEEHEEHEE!" The wizard dissolved into mad laughter, clawing at his face with his gnarled, scar-laden hands.

"Holy crap, you're actually scary for once!" the Bombinomicon said in alarm, flying out of Merasmus's hands. "Okay, I'm done here. Don't worry, boys, Miss Pauling, I'll get you out!"

"Please!" the woman's voice said. "The fuses... they're almost at the bombs! I don't want to die!"

"DAMN IT, MEDIC, WHY ARE YOU SO CALM ABOUT THIS?" screamed a young-sounding voice from the pit.

"Well, Scout," said a voice with a Germanic accent, "I have a bit of an out that will protect me from damnation. And if my calculations are correct, really the only one of us in danger from the afterlife will be Miss Pauling."

"Yeah, no, these bombs are special and will dump you directly into Hell with no escape," the Bombinomicon explained.

"Oh," the Germanic voice said. "In that case, HURRY THE HELL UP AND GET US OUT OF HERE!"

"Right," the Bombinomicon said. "Just let me ACK!" It was cut off as Merasmus grabbed the book, dragging him away from the pit.

"Pretty thing, pretty thing..." Merasmus cackled, stroking the book's cover. "All will be all right, soon. The voices the voices the voices will go away, and it will all be wonderful again."

"Merasmus, this isn't right! This isn't you! This is stuff you said you'd NEVER use!" the Bombinomicon said.

"I have to..." Merasmus said, his voice quivering with fear. "I thought... I thought if I gave them the old woman, then they'd stop... Then they'd leave me alone... But they just got worse, they started SCREAMING, I have to stop them SCREAMING!"

"Wait... YOU are the reason the Administrator went missing?" said a French-accented voice from the pit.

"Yes. She's gone," Merasmus said. "Fed to it/they/THEM. And soon... Soon you will be too..." Merasmus giggled madly, collapsing as tears of blood ran from his wide, gaping eyes.

The voices in the glowing pit screamed in helpless fear and rage, threatening the wizard, pleading with him to let them go. The ten figures trapped in the pit could only look at the fuses of the black, spherical bombs beneath them as the fuses burned down...

And then the bombs exploded.

And then the ten were gone.

And inside Merasmus's head, the voices screamed even LOUDER.

"WHY!?" the wizard wailed, clutching his temples. "WHAT DID I DO WRONG!?"

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Equestria...

Everfree Forest...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

From the sky, ten figures came crashing down, surrounded in magical auras.

They were rather surprised to be alive, and not in a fiery burning pit. Not that they were complaining.

"Ow..." said a voice with a Texan drawl. "Everyone doin' all right?"

"Da," grunted a rough, Russian-accented voice. "Heavy does not feel very good though."

"We have healing," said the German-accented voice. "My Medigun is nearby."

"As is Sasha," the Russian voice said, smiling when it spotted the familiar minigun nearby.

"Looks like our equipment came with us," said the woman's voice as it adjusted her glasses. "Everyone gear up, and let's try to figure out what happened.

"Um... Miss Pauling, lass..." said a voice with a Scottish accent. "Bit of a problem."

"What's wrong, Demoman?"

"None of us have hands anymore," the Scottish voice said.

"What are you talking about?" Miss Pauling said, looking down at her hands... which were now purple scaled claws. She looked herself over, with increasing panic. Instead of soft, pale skin, she now sported thick, armored scales the same color as her dress, along with wings, a tail, and a muzzle. She looked around at the nine mercenaries.

They looked a little familiar, wearing the same clothes and with the same equipment with them.

Except they were all blue-colored horses now. Engineer, Medic, and Pyro, the latter struggling with their suit, all seemed to be unicorns. Sniper had turned into a pegasus. Heavy, Demoman, and Soldier were all large ponies. And Spy and Scout had become sort of pony/insect hybrid.

"I'm a dragon," Miss Pauling said. "And you're all colorful horses."

"So it would seem," Medic said, looking everyone over with interest.

"...WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?" Miss Pauling screamed, her cry echoing into the night.

 _ **TO BE CONTINUED...**_


	2. Chapter 1: Meet the Mercenaries

_**Waking Nightmares: Remix Heart**_

 _ **by Jonathan "KnightMysterio" Spires**_

 _ **Chapter 1: Meet the Mercenaries**_

 _All characters copyrighted to their original owners. If you like my work, please support me on or with a one-time donation!_

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

A field...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Miss Pauling paced back and forth, kicking aside the tattered remains of her shoes, which had been shredded by her new dragon claws. She looked herself over again. She was still wearing her purple blouse and skirt, although it had been changed to fit her new body frame. She was shorter, and now sported large, powerful wings and a long tail ending in spikes, an opening in her blouse leaving room for her wings. She still had her glasses, although they were now perched on a lizardlike muzzle, her skin a slightly lighter purple than her dress. Instead of hair, her head sported almost-bladed spines, one of which curled slightly over her forehead.

She looked over the mercenaries. All of them had become some form of equine creature, most of them colored varying shades of blue. Their weapons and equipment were scattered around them.

Scout had become some sort of insectoid pony, a light, almost sky blue shade. His clothing, loose fitting sport pants and a t-shirt, still fit him, having been resized to his body, but he had ditched his shoes and socks. His chest seemed to have three dark blue crystals in them, his red eyes insect-like in nature. He also sported buglike wings and an odd tail which looked like another wing. His hat was pulled down slightly over his head, the brim resting on a small horn. He fidgeted back and forth as he looked at Miss Pauling, waiting for her to decide what to do.

Soldier, for his part, stood at perfect attention. His boots, Soldier the only one still wearing any kind of footwear, were still awkwardly on his feet (hooves?), although like everyone else's clothing, his shirt and pants had been resized, his helmet still positioned low on his head. From what she could see of his mane, she could tell it was close shaven in a military cut, as was his tail. He was a bright solid blue.

Pyro... was struggling with their outfit. Apparently, it hadn't resized properly and now they were struggling to get out of it. Engineer, who had become a sea blue unicorn and was still wearing his overalls, short, goggles, and hardhat, was trying to help Pyro get their mask off.

Demoman had become the darkest shade of blue, and was a normal horse-thing like Soldier. He was still wearing his flak vest, shirt, and pants, as well as his cap and eyepatch. His tail and mane were close cropped with grenades on his chest, same as Soldier. He was grumpily glaring at his broken bottle of scrumpy, which had shattered on impact.

Heavy was the largest of all of them, lacking a mane but still with a strong chin and stubble, his tail actually kept long. He wore his uniform pants and shirt, with his kevlar vest and bandolier of bullets. A hoof was protectively placed over his massive minigun.

Medic, like Engineer, was a unicorn, and the only one not blue. He was a ghostly white, his glasses balanced on his muzzle. His labcoat and work pants were still on, and his blue rubber gloves now covered his hooves. An amused smile was on his face as he looked everyone over.

Sniper, for his part, was the only pegasus. He has wings that seemed too small for his body, holes in his vest and shirt for it. His shades were still on his head, and his had was still perched on his head. He was fidgeting, clearly nervous. He kept trying to pick up his sniper rifle, but he couldn't make his hooves do it.

Spy, like Scout, had become an insect-like horse. His skin was a darker shade of blue, his insectoid eyes green, as were the crystals on his chest. His suit was modified to allow his wings and tail to hang loose, and he was clearly displeased about it. "Ten-thousand dollar customed-tailored Louis Crabbemarché suit, and now it has holes in the back..." he muttered.

"Is that REALLY your priority right now, Spy?" Sniper snapped. "We're stuck in an alien world in alien bodies! We don't know what's going on!"

Spy sneered at his fellow assassin. "I paid a lot of money for this suit. Of course I'm going to be upset when someone alters it without my permission," he said. "Aside from that, how is panicking going to help anything?"

"Show SOME emotion then, ye bleedin' wanker!" Sniper said, unconsciously fluttering his wings. "We're all bleedin' showponies now! And you and the Scout are some kinda bug!"

"Yeah, about that. I'm not really likin' the implications of me and Creep Suzette here bein' the same species, so if we could just not focus on that point? At all? Ever?" Scout said.

Spy briefly looked sad, and then sighed. "On that, we are in agreement."

"Baby Sniper will stop panicking," Heavy said.

"I say we do panic," Demoman muttered. "Whatever brought us here made me SOBER and I'm out of me bloody booze..."

Medic looked interested. "Interesting... I actually cannot recall a time when you were sober," he said.

"You're gonna get a lot of experience with it now that I cannae pick up a bottle..." Demoman grumbled.

There was a popping sound nearby, and Engineer rolled into the group, Pyro's mask in his teeth. He spat it out, smilng.

"Okay, you should be fine now," he said.

"Thanks, Engie!" said a raspy voice. Everyone blinked, and looked to Pyro.

Pyro, a unicorn now, was currently wriggling out of their pants and boots, leaving only their shirt and gloves, which the transition had modified to fit their forehooves. Their muzzle was shorter and a bit rounder than the others, and their mane was a bright, fiery red. Their felt at their horn for a moment, frowning.

Engineer blushed. "Oh my word, darlin.' Y'done turned cute!" he said. "All your scars are gone, too!"

Pyro blinked. "Really?" they said.

Engineer nodded, motioning to the reflective surface of the mask's lenses. Pyro leaned into them and squinted. Once they saw what they looked like in the reflective lenses, they grinned. "I am a cuddly horsey! PYROLAND LIVES IN ME!" They giggled, rolling around happily.

"Well, at least the firebug is happy," Scout muttered.

Spy frowned. "Engineer called her darling... are they...?"

"Oh ya," Medic said, casually nodding as he lay down in the grass. "Engineer and Pyro have been boyfriend und girlfriend for quite some time now."

"...GIRL!?" the mercs said, shocked.

"...You didn't know?" Medic asked, genuinely surprised.

"We thought Pyro was like... some sorta zombie robot or something!" Scout said.

"My vote was space alien," Demoman said.

"It was a stupid vote," Sniper said, pacing back and forth. "Aliens..."

"Are real," Miss Pauling interrupted. "The Administrator and I have been tracking the movements of an alien vessel for weeks that's been heading towards the Earth. Depending on how long we're here, we may miss first contact entirely."

Everyone stared at Miss Pauling, Sniper's jaw dropping in horrified shock.

"Ooh, pretty colors," Pyro said. Her horn was glowing, and a trio of fiery butterflies were spinning around her head. Medic and Engineer glanced up at their own horns, fascinated. Everyone else just looked alarmed.

Spy looked dismayed. "And now she can create fire with her brain. Wonderful," he muttered.

"Oh! Fine! Great!" Sniper said, flapping his wings convulsively. He was struggling to maintain his composure. "Merasmus murders all our pets and sends us to another world, we all end up turned into space aliens, we don't have HANDS to hold our weapons anymore, AND NOW PYRO CAN SET US ON FIRE JUST BY THINKING ABOUT IT!"

"...I would never do that," Pyro said, looking a little sad. "I like you guys. You're my friends. We burn things together."

The comment surprised the others, however Sniper was in too much of a panic to care.

"We are in SO much bloody trouble!" the Australian marksman said.

"Stop panicking," Spy said disdainfully.

"You're bringing down the morale of the unit, soldier!" Soldier barked. "Man up!"

"PANICKING IS THE ONLY LOGICAL THING TO DO HERE!" Sniper almost roared. Spy and Miss Pauling winced, looking around worriedly, while the others seemed more amused by it. Sniper, so terrified was he, didn't realize that his flapping had taken him off the ground. "We are lost in a world of MAGIC, we have NO RESPAWN, we CAN'T HOLD OUR WEAPONS, and we DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET BACK!"

"And now you're flying," Engineer said.

"AND NOW I'M," Sniper trailed off, blinking, as he realized he was in the air, feeling new muscles flexing. "I... huh..." As he calmed down, he realized he could feel the air with his wings, as if they were his fingertips. "Flying."

Engineer smiled. "Why don't you fly up high and recon the area for us?" he suggested patiently.

"Yeah..." Sniper said, nodding. "I can do that... Yeah..." He flapped his wings again, swooping into the air, heading high up into the sky.

"Good thinking, Engie," Miss Pauling said, watching Sniper as he began to look around.

Engineer smiled. "Working on something always helps me calm down," he said.

Scout fluttered his own wings, curious. Spy, however, just sneered disdainfully at Sniper. "Oy'm Snoipah," he said in a parody of Sniper's accent. "Oy'mma professional. Oy throw jars of piss at people and cry like a little boiby when magic does stuff Oy'm not prepared for."

Everyone laughed except Engineer, who gave Spy a disapproving look, Miss Pauling, who was focused on Sniper, and Pyro, who had gotten bored and created more fire butterflies.

Medic looked thoughtfully up at Sniper. "It's really fascinating, though," he said. "His wings should be far too small to lift his body."

"Maybe magic's common in all species?" Engineer suggested.

"Possibly," Medic said. "Perhaps the wings are the focus for pegasi, while the horns are for unicorns like us."

"What of Soldier, Demoman and I?" Heavy asked. "We do not have wings or horns."

"Maybe your hooves?" Medic suggested. "Either that or your magic is passive... Hm... I'd love to get a few experimental subjects..."

"Please don't torture the locals until they're used to us, Medic," Miss Pauling pleaded.

"And that still doesn't tell us what me and Spy are," Scout, scowling. "I don't like being a bug."

"Why? You were already a bug brain," Soldier said, grinning, Demoman cackling as both of them ignored Scout's scowl.

"You've been a terrible influence on him," Spy said with a smirk.

"Thank ye, lad," Demoman said, grinning shamelessly.

Meanwhile, Sniper was watching the area around them, amazed with how good his vision had become. He could see farther than he ever could as a human, and with far more detail.

"Strewth..." he said softly, amazed with how good being in the air felt. Was it his new body's instincts?

 _Later,_ he thought, focusing on the mission. He scanned the horizon, spotting a village nearby. Other pegasi were flitting about, and to Sniper's amazement, some of them were sitting on clouds and moving them around.

 _Can I do that?_ Sniper thought. He looked around, spotting a cloud just above him. Hesitantly, he flew up to it and gingerly pressed a hoof on it. To his surprise, it felt soft, but otherwise solid. He gulped, standing completely on the cloud and closing his wings.

He didn't fall through. "Heh..." Sniper said, relaxing a little. "Okay. This is kinda nice." He smiled at how comfortable the cloud was, and went back to looking around.

He saw in the distance a house made entirely of clouds, rainbow waterfalls streaming from it and vanishing after a time. _Something else weird about this place..._ he thought. He looked over the village, examining the large, gaudy crystal castle on the outskirts of the town.

"A local lord?" Sniper said, thinking aloud. He focused his attention on the town, stroking his chin with his hoof. The town consisted of several of each of the three types of ponies he and his friends had become, as well as some of the bug ponies as well. There was a single zebra with a shop in the center of town, and although he couldn't be sure, he thought he spotted a couple donkeys as well.

"Hm... So equines are the dominant forms of life here, I guess... Although we also got dragons, too..." He sighed wearily. He looked... and frowned.

Approaching the group was a gray pegasus with a blonde mane and tail, a mail satchel around her barrel and one golden eye looking in the wrong direction.

"Bloody hell..." Sniper muttered. He looked back at his wings and sighed. He flapped them, focusing on remembering the feel of flying... and felt himself rising off of the cloud again. "Gettin' the hang of this..." he said. He swooped down to join the others, who seemed to be in mid argument.

"We have incoming," Sniper said.

"Who?" Spy asked, scowling.

"Gray pegasus. Female, if having a muzzle-shape similar to Pyro's is any indication," he said. "Looks to be a mail carrier. Got one eye that's goofy."

Spy sighed. "All right," he said. "I'll..."

"Soldier," Miss Pauling said.

"Sir!" Soldier said, snapping to attention and saluting, hitting himself in the face with his hoof. "Ow."

"Kill the incoming pegasus," Miss Pauling ordered definitively.

"Sir yes sir!" Soldier said, saluting again. "Ow." The helmeted pony ran off into the nearby woods, expression stern.

Spy glared at her. "That was not smart," he said.

"We can't risk discovery," Miss Pauling said, her eyes narrowing. "We kill her before she spots us, hide the body and let the creatures of the forest take care of it." Scout shifted uncomfortably. He liked Miss Pauling, but her ruthless side always bothered him.

Heavy shook his head, his eyes narrowing. "Miss Pauling is good at hiding evidence. Miss Pauling is good at being sneaky. Miss Pauling is not good at tactics," he rumbled.

Miss Pauling frowned. "I don't understand," she said.

Engineer sighed. "Sniper, what did you see up there?" he asked.

"A small town not too far from here," Sniper said. "Some electricity, but still not very advanced. Mostly horsefolk like us, some bug ponies, a zebra and a couple donkeys. A big, gaudy-looking crystal castle that looks like it was grown from a tree."

Engineer nodded. "You made two mistakes, Miss Pauling. The first one was not taking the terrain into account. A small town means that most folks will be familiar with the faces of their mail carriers. People will miss her if she's dead, where Spy could have just charmed her into leaving."

Miss Pauling frowned, the dragoness folding her arms. She hated to admit it, but he was right. "What was my second mistake?"

"You sent Soldier to do the deed," Spy said simply.

Miss Pauling blinked. "Wait... I've seen Soldier snap dozens of necks. Why would this be any different?" 

"Because it's Soldier," Demoman said. "I love the man like a brother but, well..." He chuckled sardonically.

Then, as if on cue...

"HELLO AGAIN!" Soldier said, reappearing in the group and startling everyone.

"Hello for the first time!" the golden-maned mailcarrier said as she literally popped up next to Soldier, startling everyone once more.

Miss Pauling glared at Soldier, the earth pony remaining oblivious. "Soldier, I told you to do one simple thing. Why didn't you do it?"

"She bribed me with muffins," Soldier said. The other mercenaries chuckled.

Miss Pauling just facepalmed, silently wishing she had her desk to slam her face into.

"It's nice to meet you all," the mailcarrier said. "My name is Dulcinea Muffins! But everyone in town calls me Derpy. You can too if you want!"

Spy's eye twitched. "I absolutely refuse. That's an insulting nickname," he said.

Derpy shrugged. "It doesn't bother me anymore, and nopony really means it in meanness anymore," she said, pulling a basket of muffins out of her mailbag. "Muffin?"

"Tasty muffins! Yum yum yum!" Pyro said, barging up to Derpy. Derpy grinned, handing the excitable unicorn a chocolate chip muffin. After some fumbling, Pyro managed to keep hold of the muffin and started to eat it. "Mmmm, so good!" she said.

Derpy beamed. "I made them myself."

"Thank you, my dear," Spy said. "But we are operating under a rather understandable limitation."

Derpy blinked. "Is it allergies? 'Cause I can get the Cakes to make you some different muffins if you want."

"No," Miss Pauling said, her mind racing to come up with a cover story. "You see, we..."

"We're human," Demoman said. "We got sent here by a wizard. We don't know how to work our bodies right now, or even hold things." He ignored the glare Miss Pauling flashed him.

"Oh..." Derpy said. "Oh! Like the world Sunset Shimmer is from!"

The mercenaries traded looks, surprised. "You're familiar with humans?" Engineer asked.

"Not personally," Derpy said. "But a friend of Princess Twilight Sparkle named Sunset Shimmer actually lives in the human world! If you want, you can go through the portal to that world to get back home, if you want."

The mercenaries all brightened. "Well, that's one problem solved," Scout said. \

Derpy smiled warmly. "And for the hoof-holding thing, I can show you how to do that. And I can show your pegasus how to move clouds and control the weather, too. You'll need unicorns and changelings to teach your unicorns and changeling shape-shifter magic, but I'm sure we can find somepony to help, Mister... I just realized, I never got your names. Is it okay if I ask."

Spy looked very interested in the mention of shapeshifting magic. Miss Pauling started to speak again, having had more time to prepare a cover story. Then Demoman decided to tell the truth again.

"We're mercenaries. Hired killers working for a pair of idiots named Blutarch and Redmond Mann. Well, specifically Blutarch Mann for us. Twin brothers who hate each other and refuse to die, so they get us to fight clones of ourselves constantly for control of various areas of absolutely no value whatsoever," Demoman said. "Our group is officially called Team Fortress. We have other names, but mostly we go by our job titles. I'm Demoman, this here's me mate Soldier."

Soldier saluted, hitting himself in the face again. "SIR! Ow." Derpy giggled.

Demoman continued. "The fancily-dressed bug is Spy. The wimpy-looking runt bug is Scout."

"Drop dead, booze horse," Scout muttered.

Spy chuckled. "A pleasure to meet you, Miss Muffins," he said.

"Charmed," Derpy said, grinning and blushing a little. Even with the mask, Spy was quite handsome.

"I am Heavy Weapons Guy," Heavy rumbled, patting his minigun. "And this is my weapon. She is Sasha."

"Oooh, fancy," Derpy said, reaching out to examine the massive weapon.

"Do not touch Sasha," Heavy rumbled without malice, Derpy withdrawing her hoof.

"Sorry," she said, grinning weakly.

"Do not mind Heavy, fraulein," Medic said, stepping forward. "He is simply protective of his equipment. Anyway, as my garb would suggest, my name is Medic. Anything you here about me from these schweinhunds is probably true."

"Um... I have no idea how to respond to that," Derpy said, Medic cackling.

Sniper rolled his eyes. "Don't mind the doc, sheila," he said. "He's our resident mad scientist and loves every minute of it."

"I object to the term 'mad,' though," Medic said. "I'm really quite a happy person."

"I like happy people," Derpy said, smiling.

"Just don't let this one get you alone, or he'll install a third lung," Sniper said. "I'm serious, don't be alone near him when he's around medical equipment."

"Um..." Derpy said.

"Anyway," Sniper said, continuing before Derpy could think about it. "I'm Sniper. Long-range spotter and marksman for the team. Over there we got Engineer and Pyro."

"Pleased to meet you, ma'am," Engineer said in his charming southern drawl, tipping his hardhat to her.

Pyro stuck her face in Derpy's. Derpy blinked, confused. "...Hi?"

Pyro sniffed her. "You smell like muffins. I like you," she said, hugging Derpy. The mailcarrier giggled.

Neither of them noticed the rest of the team sighing in relief, glad Pyro didn't set her on fire.

Derpy tuned to Miss Pauling, who was staring at Demoman with her jaw opened. "And who's this?"

"This is Miss Pauling," Demoman said. "She works for the supervillain who actually controls the two brothers. She specializes in covering up evidence and eliminating witnesses. She's a nice lass but probably more evil than all of us put together."

Soldier nodded in agreement.

"Hey hey..." Scout said, putting a foreleg around Miss Pauling's shoulders, making her flinch. "That's..."

"...actually a pretty fair assessment of my character," Miss Pauling conceded, moving Scout's foreleg from her shoulders.

"I don't think you're evil," Scout said, smiling warmly.

"Well, you're in love with me, so you're biased," Miss Pauling said. "But, damn it Demoman, why'd you just tell her everything? We could have come up with a cover!"

"Ma'am," Engineer said, "we don't know the culture, we don't know the local customs, we don't know the history, we don't even know how to hold things. ANY cover story we came up with would fall apart faster than the time RED Pyro destroyed Teufort that one time."

"I still have nightmares about that," Sniper said, shuddering.

Miss Pauling rubbed her temples. "Still, from what Sniper said in his recon report, this seems like a small town. They're not about to be accepting of a bunch of paid killers and an evil minion. WHICH, by the way, I am not ashamed of, thank you very much."

"We have a reformed leader of a cult that tried to suppress individuality by stealing cutie marks living in town. She also tried to destroy time itself one time, and now she's one of Princess Twilight Sparkle's personal aides," Derpy said, smiling.

The mercenaries and Miss Pauling all stared at her.

"Also," Derpy continued, "a god of chaos and mayhem occasionally visits to have tea. He's nice. He likes my eyes. Oh, and the changelings? They used to be a parasitic race that stole love from others to feed on before they reformed and learned how to feel love themselves."

Again, more staring.

"I could go on, honestly," Derpy said. "Ponyville's an... interesting place."

Scout pulled his cap down over his head. "Criminy, the names here."

"Okay, so... one concern alleviated," Miss Pauling said. "Compared to a god of chaos and a cult leader that wanted to... um... what are cutie marks?"

Derpy smiled, gesturing to the bubbles on her flanks. "They're a sign of what your special talent is! Most ponies find work related to it, but it's not a limiting thing at all. I'm a mail carrier, but my special talent is cheering others up by being bubbly and happy." She blinked. "It might also be for the fact that I can make EPIC bubble sculpture. Most marks are generally open to interpretation."

"Interesting!" Medic said, grinning. "And how does one acquire them?"

"They appear automatically when you realize what your special talent is in life!" Derpy said. "Some get them earlier than others." She pointed to Pyro. "She has one. And I'm betting that the other ponies in your group do as well."

Everyone looked, noticing for the first time the stylized flame on Pyro's flank. Pyro tried to get a close look, but ended up falling over, giggling.

"Changelings and donkeys don't get them," Derpy continued, "but zebras do. Theirs just look more like stylized stripes. Ponies and zebras really are the only ones who get them."

Heavy, Soldier, Demoman, Engineer, Medic, and Sniper began wondering if they had marks and what they looked like. Time enough for that later, though.

"Miss Muffins," Spy said. "You promised to show us how to hold things?"

"OH! Yeah, sure!" Derpy said. She then proceeded to explain how to pick up things with hooves. "It's a trick of using the frog, the soft part of your hoof," she said, demonstrating and showing them how to pick up and carry their weapons.

"Hnh..." Spy said as he holstered his revolver. "This reduces us to melee for a while. Because everything else has a trigger guard, only Sasha and Medic's needlegun and medigun can be used."

"I can set up a sentry and dispenser," Engineer said, trying to sound helpful. "But... Oh, we don't have any way to replenish my metal supplies..."

"Guys, I think I can still use my flamethrower," Pyro said, holding the trigger end with her back hooves as she looked down the barrel. She managed to wedge a hoof in, only to accidentally trigger it, shooting a long burst of flame into her face.

Aside from a little soot, she was unharmed. "NOPE! Nevermind!" she said, giggling.

Derpy gaped for a long moment, and then giggled. "She's weird. I like her," she said.

"Pyro, you ARE a flamethrower now! Why do you even need that!?" Scout said.

Pyro grinned happily. "OOH! That's right!"

Sniper growled. "Thank you for reminding the dangerous psychotic that she can now ignite people with her brain," he muttered.

Scout grimaced, realizing his mistake. Miss Pauling rolled her eyes. "Engineer, can you control her?" she asked.

Engineer nodded, pulling Pyro aside to talk with the pyromantic unicorn. Miss Pauling took Pyro nodding to everything the technician said as a good sign. Soldier tried to step forward to speak, but tripped over his boots, falling facefirst into the dirt.

"Soldier, take your damn boots off," Scout said, glaring. "You're looking like even more of a dumbass than usual."

"A TRUE SOLDIER NEVER ABANDONS HIS BOOTS IN THE FIELD!" Soldier bellowed, standing up and glaring at Scout.

"SOLDIER!" Miss Pauling barked in her best drill sergeant voice. Soldier immediately saluted, smacking himself in the face again. Miss Pauling continued. "This unit is on an extended training exercise! You will discard your boots immediately, as they are not necessary for this mission! ARE WE CLEAR!?"

"SIR YES SIR!" Soldier said, immediately yanking his boots off and tossing them over the horizon. "Boots discarded, sir!"

Derpy giggled. "He's kinda dumb," she said.

"Aye," Demoman said. "But he's me best mate, so no bad talk about him, lass."

"I didn't mean any offense. I think he's kinda cute. Plus it helps that he's such a stud," Derpy said, blushing brightly.

Demoman looked at Derpy, and hmmed thoughtfully, a grin crossing the eyepatched earth pony's face.

Miss Pauling sighed. "Can we please go into town now?"

Derpy nodded. "Sure, we can... Oh, wait..." she said.

"What's wrong?" Spy asked.

Derpy grimaced. "I... I don't know if Princess Twilight will be able to help you right away," she said.

"Why not?" Heavy rumbled.

"There's a big trial going on Ponyville," Derpy said. "They captured the former leader of the changelings, Queen Chrysalis. They're going to hold her trial in Ponyville, and there's going to be a lot of world leaders coming."

Engineer grimaced. "Ooh. Bad timing on our part," he said.

"On the wizard's, you mean," Demoman grumbled. "Damned Merasmus."

"Extra security," Scout said.

Everyone looked at him.

Scout shrugged. "We offer to help as extra security," he said. "Big trial, big criminal, world leaders showing up... We ain't proven, but for an event like this I'd want every gun I could get."

"...That makes sense," Heavy said.

Miss Pauling nodded. "A good idea. Surprisingly," she said. "We offer to help, everything goes good, that gets us in the good graces of the local royalty, which will make them more willing to help."

Behind Scout's back, Spy smiled proudly.

Derpy smiled. "That should work, I think!" she said. "C'mon, let's go!"

Everyone holstered their weapons, and prepared to move out. As they got ready to leave, though, a growling came from the forest. Derpy's ears dropped, and her wings puffed up fearfully. "Oh no..."

"What is wrong?" Heavy rumbled, standing up and pulling out his minigun, revving it.

"A TIMBER WOLF!" Derpy shouted. "RUN!" She bolted, leaving behind the others.

"...Just little wolf?" Sniper said, drawing his kukri. "We can handle that."

The trees near the empty field rustled. Heavy turned, aiming his minigun. Hesitantly, Medic pulled out his medigun and trained it on Heavy, building up his ubercharge.

A long, tense moment passed, Sniper reflexively taking to the air. He narrowed his eyes, focusing into the forest... and paled. "Um... lads?"

With a fierce roar, a gigantic wolf made of wood burst through, its ragged jaws dripping tree sap as it glared at the mercenaries with baleful, hate-filled eyes.

"Oh... Timber wolf," Scout said, backing away slowly, the other mercenaries doing the same. "Heh... Pun..."

"Pyro?" Engineer said.

"On it," Pyro said, her horn flaring. The Timber Wolf's wooden body ignited, becoming covered in flames.

It roared again, with more ferocity.

"Oh good, now it's angry and on fire," Spy said, backing away as well. "I HATE YOU SO MUCH." Pyro didn't notice Spy's curse, too enraptured by the cloud of flames the timber wolf had become.

Heavy cut loose with his minigun, bullets raining down on the creature. Its face was chipped away, but it wasn't being incapacitated by it at all. Now even Soldier was starting to look nervous.

"Gentlemen," Miss Pauling, gulping, "I believe that Derpy had the right idea."

"Pretty colors..." Pyro said, staring blissfully at the fiery creature.

"Time to go, darlin'!" Engineer said, grabbing Pyro and tugging her along. Everyone began running for town, screaming in terror. It didn't occur to them until too late that leading the fiery wooden monster towards an inhabited area wasn't the best idea.

Thankfully, though...

"MOVE IT!" boomed a loud, deep female voice. "Put that thing out!"

A sudden downpour gushed down from the sky, drenching the mercenaries and the creature. In addition, a cloud of mud suddenly gushed from the ground, smothering the flames of the wolf. It roared again, even more furious than before.

Before any of the mercenaries could react, a MASSIVE pegasus, so big she dwarfed even Heavy, slammed down in front of them. Her wings were massive, her body construction equipment yellow. She wore thick armor and a helmet that covered most of her face.

The creature roared at her. The pegasus roared right back, her voice so powerful that it created visible sonic ripples in the air. The timber wolf backed off, covering its ears. When it turned to glare at the pegasus again, she was glaring right back. So powerful was her gaze that the mercenaries, who were directly behind her, could feel the force of it.

Cowed, afraid, the timber wolf backed off, heading into the forest.

Miss Pauling sighed in relief. "Thank you," she said. "I don't know what we could have done if you hadn't..."

The elephant-sized pegasus turned, turning her powerful gaze on them.

Miss Pauling squeaked in fright, backing away. The mercenaries all clustered around each other, wary of the pegasus.

The pegasus grunted. "I'm Barricade," she said, she thundered. "Captain of Princess Twilight Sparkle's Friendship Guard. But you better believe that I'm not feeling friendly in the slightest bit right now. Somepony want to explain to me what in blazes just happened!?"

 _ **TO BE CONTINUED...**_


	3. Chapter 2: Interrogations and Infodumps

_**Waking Nightmares: Remix Heart**_

 _ **by Jonathan "KnightMysterio" Spires**_

 _ **Chapter 2: Interrogations and Infodumps**_

 _All characters copyrighted to their original owners. If you like my work, please support me on or with a one-time donation!_

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

 _Friendship Castle..._

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

The mercenaries and Miss Pauling all sat in a prison cell. After nearly leading the flaming timber wolf into town, they had all been locked up pending an investigation. Their weapons, spare ammunition, and grenades had been confiscated, the guards responsible for moving Sasha destined to suffer nightmares caused by Heavy's hateful gaze. A pair of guards armored with heavy halberds stood by the prison cell holding them, not responding to any verbal jabs or goading. Attempts to fake sickness were countered with a healing spell. Attempts to sabotage the bars were med with freezing spells.

Pyro, Medic, and Engineer had suppressors placed around their horns, cold iron rings that kept them from using magic. Pyro was laying face down on the floor, grumpy that she couldn't make fire anymore. Engineer and Medic were talking quietly, discussing what to do. Sniper's wings were tied down, the pegasus marksman fidgeting nervously. Demoman and Heavy had cold iron boots placed on their feet, and were watching the doorway cautiously. Scout and Spy both had necklaces placed around their necks, a gemstone radiating green energy that made it hard for both of them to focus, Spy lamenting that his transformation had cost him all the supplies hidden in his teeth. Miss Pauling was handcuffed, and had her wings bound and her mouth muzzled, a weight placed around the spike on her tail.

Soldier was bound head to tail, muzzled completely. By a body cast. He had resisted the entire time, repeatedly attempting to snap Barricade's neck, annoying the giant pegasus to the point where she decided to use him as a basketball. She only mildly sorry, as the move had made the others cooperative.

They had been fed, the group eating the simple breads, fruits, and vegetables provided, ignoring the flowers that had been left there, thinking them garnish. Spy, Miss Pauling, and Scout had been promised they would be fed properly later, which confused them.

After a few hours, a door opened, a purple pony with wings and a horn entering, a crown on her head. Her mane and tail were dark blue with purple and pink streaks in them, and her 'cutie mark,' if the mercenaries were remembering the term correctly, was a large star with smaller stars clustered around it. Barricade followed her in, the elephantine pegasus' armor mostly removed, revealing her steel wall cutie mark and her long, dark pink mane.

The third pony to follow them in was Soldier.

"Hello everyone! I have returned from the MASH unit and am ready for battle once again!" he said happily, noshing on another muffin.

The mercenaries stared, turning to the Soldier in the jail with them. With a flash of green fire, he changed into a rather smallish changeling with a ladybug-like coloration. "Sorry about that," it said, grinning sheepishly. "But his injuries were pretty bad, and we figured you wouldn't want to worry about your comrade, so..."

"Thank you, Ladybug," Twilight said, smiling. She opened the door, letting the real Soldier in to join his comrades while Ladybug came out. She nuzzled Twilight, who hugged her in return. Both Scout and Spy sensed something, turning back towards Twilight in surprise.

"What just happened?" Spy asked.

"I fed her some love as a reward for keeping you all company," Twilight said as Ladybug left the room.

"For impersonating me best mate, you mean," Demoman snarled, angry.

"It's fine," Soldier said, smiling. "They fed me muffins, and I got to talk to that nice lady with the goofy eyes some more."

Demoman grumbled incoherently.

"'Fed her some love?'" Scout asked. "The heck you talking about?"

"Changelings, such as you and your friend here, feed on love," Twilight said.

"Not my friend," Scout muttered.

Twilight continued, not hearing what Scout said. "Specifically, they feed on the pheromones generated by love," she said. "Changelings can eat anything and digest it without issue, but they generally only get nutrition from absorbing love."

"Yeesh... Punny names, cutesy colors, and now this..." Scout muttered.

Twilight gave Scout a confused look, but decided to just press on. "Anyway. I am Princess Twilight Sparkle. I serve Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, the rulers of the Equestria. I know most of the story from what you've told Derpy," she said. "And... well, Soldier was hard to interpret."

"That I'll buy," Scout said.

Soldier didn't notice the dig. He simply attempted to pick his nose with his hoof, failing miserably.

Twilight nodded. "I believe you when you say you didn't mean to bring that fiery timber wolf here, but I do have some questions. I..."

"MISTER BALLOONICORN!" Pyro said suddenly. "That is HIGHLY inappropriate!"

Twilight and Barricade blinked. The others looked at Pyro with moderate amusement, the lunatic glaring at something only she could see. "No, I don't care how pretty she is, she's a princess! You heard her introduce herself just now!" She gestured to Twilight, glaring at whatever it was she was looking at. She gasped. "Mister Balloonicorn! What a thing to say! I just... no, no, you apologize immediately! I don't care if she can't see you, APOLOGIZE ANYWAY!" Pyro paused for a moment, and blushed. "Well, thank you for the compliment, but we've known each other for years now! That's still highly inappropriate!" Pyro turned to Twilight, an apologetic expression on her face. "I'm terribly sorry. He's still not over his wife leaving him. He..." She paused, turning back to 'Balloonicorn.' "Okay. Thank you, that's much better." Pyro calmed down, going back to laying on the floor.

"...What in blazes was all that?" Barricade said.

"Pyro is completely insane," Engineer said. "She experiences a constant, highly detailed hallucination called Pyroland which makes everything she does seem cheerful and happy and colorful, such as turning her flames into brightly colored rainbows. Her hallucinations also include a very diverse cast of characters, including her best friend, Balloonicorn, who's the municipal ombudsman of Pyroland. He's... well, he's a big pink balloon in the shape of a unicorn."

"Who's also a perv, apparently," Scout quipped.

"How do you know this?" Twilight asked.

"Engineer and I developed a device which allows us to view the world as Pyro sees it. As none of us have ever heard her properly talk until recently, her voice muffled by the mask she usually wears, we didn't know that she's aware that her fire is actually fire. It... makes things worse, honestly..." Medic explained.

"You just jealous that you can't make things pretty like I can," Pyro said, giggling.

"The thing about Pyro's hallucinations is that they are SO detailed and elaborate that they're interactive," Spy said. "I myself sometimes have tea with the constable of Pyroland, a cartoon cat named Sir Whiskers Meowington the Fifth." 

"...You have tea with a cat that exists only in the hallucinatory world of your dangerously insane teammate?" Barricade asked.

Spy quirked an eyeridge. "I enjoy intelligent conversation. My teammates consist of a filthy bushman who hates me," Spy started.

Sniper tipped his hat.

"A loudmouth brat who hates me," Spy continued.

"Hi!" Scout said.

"Three maniacs," Spy continued.

"Me, Soldier, and Pyro," Medic clarified, smiling.

"A drunkard," Spy continued.

"A pleasure, lass," Demoman said, chuckling.

"A taciturn brute of a man," Spy continued.

Heavy grunted, smirking.

"And Engineer," Spy finished.

"Howdy," Engineer said.

Spy smirked. "I can sometimes manage a conversation with Miss Pauling in the rare instances she's not doing the Administrator's dirty work, such as burying bodies, hiding evidence, and killing witnesses. But as busy as she and Engineer usually are, I have to get my intelligent conversation from SOMEWHERE."

Barricade snickered. "I like you," she said.

Twilight decided to just roll with it. "Okay then... Tell me about the brothers."

"Two overbearing maggots who hate each other, make us fight over crap, and refuse to die," Soldier snapped.

"...Pretty much that, yeah," Engineer conceded. "They're the two idiot twin sons of a scumbag of a man named Zephaniah Mann. Blutarch and Redmond. They convinced their father to buy a bunch of useless land only good for making gravel. When he died, he left all the land to his sons so they could fight over all that junk forever. They kept hiring mercenaries to kill each other, eventually coming up with a really dumb plan to use clones to fight their neverending battle, using machines that my granddaddy designed to keep themselves alive. Although they don't know that granddaddy was working for both of them through the Administrator, who got a more efficient version of the immortality machine."

Miss Pauling, frustrated that everyone was just TELLING them things, spoke up then, deciding to give up on a cover story. "This particular group is officially called Team Fortress, and is the second incarnation of the team. Administrator sold the two on the group, and used a procedure that I'm not really sure how to explain to make it so that each one would have their own version of the mercenaries, dressed in their colors. At the end of each battle, the winning team would be allowed to exist while the other would be killed, not spawning again until the next match. As you can see, the team representing Blutarch Mann's organization, Builders League United, has won the most recent match."

"As for the matches themselves," Medic said, "we used a device to bring us back over and over again from death to stay alive, this one developed by Engineer's father. The brothers realized that having to replace mercenaries each battle was expensive, so they just made each battle about accomplishing objectives instead. Controlling points, retrieving a briefcase, moving a bomb down a track, that sort of thing."

"Again with the Administrator..." Twilight asked. "Who is she?"

"Evil incarnate," rumbled Sniper. "Brilliant, but good lord is she evil."

"...Yeah, that's fair," Miss Pauling said. "I work for her directly, doing everything Spy mentioned earlier and then some, so I can pretty much confirm that."

"She hates friendship," Demoman said. "Solly and RED Demoman became friends, she did everything in her power to break up the two of them. Because we're basically the same person, me and Solly became friends too, and the whole plan backfired."

"She is wicked," Heavy rumbled. "Has horrible plans. Provides us with weapons so we can kill each other for her enjoyment. We adjust to mental trauma of this, so she starts looking for other plans."

"She enjoys starting wars between pigeons she feeds in a park as a pasttime," Miss Pauling said. "She calls it 'one of the few frivolous pleasures she allows herself.'"

Barricade and Twilight's ears both drooped, the other two guards looking alarmed. "...She sounds like one of the most horrible people ever," Twilight said.

"Da," Heavy agreed.

"Yes, pretty much," Miss Pauling admitted.

"Sexy voice, though," Sniper said.

Everyone turned to stare at him. "What?" Sniper said. "I know she's evil. Doesn't mean I can't find her voice sexy."

Spy rubbed his temples, biting back a sigh.

Twilight frowned, considering a few things. "Could you elaborate on how you got here? All I could get from Soldier was him babbling about someone named Merasmus being a bad roommate."

"He is!" Soldier said. "COMPLETELY terrible. And he kept clogging the toilet! NO respect for my privacy!"

Demoman decided not to comment on Soldier's constant violations of the wizard's privacy. "Merasmus is a wizard. He's a loser, one that we smack around from time to time when he tries to kill us. Somehow, though, he fought the Administrator and won, apparently sending her to this world. He's possessed or something, a lot stronger than usual."

"Wizard capture us all. Says he trying to appease 'something.' Try to damn us all to Hell, ends up sending us here instead," Heavy rumbled, growling. "Sacrifice all our pets to power magic."

"That's horrible..." Twilight Sparkle said. "And completely unnecessary. Ritual sacrifice is only used to give cruel demons entertainment."

Medic blinked. "Really?"

Twilight nodded. Medic looked thoughtful. "Fascinating... My theories were wrong..." he said.

Twilight sighed. "What are your intentions?" Barricade asked sternly.

"Find the Administrator and go home," Miss Pauling said. "That's it. Nothing against your world, we just... This isn't our world, these aren't our bodies. We're human, all of us. We want to get back to our world. It's been a month since the Administrator vanished and we all just want to get back to normal."

Twilight and Barricade looked at each other again, uncertain. After a moment, Twilight Sparkle spoke. "You are aware of recent events from what Derpy told you, correct?"

Miss Pauling nodded. "Something about a major criminal being put on trial, with a lot of world leaders coming to town," she said.

Twilight nodded. "Chrysalis is the former queen of the changeling race, and a very dangerous terrorist. It's important that she go on trial for her crimes against the world, especially Equestria. Our nation's society is founded on the virtues of friendship, kindness, laughter, loyalty, honesty, and generosity. Is it possible that the Administrator would side with those who'd want to disrupt the trial?"

The mercenaries cringed. "Good God yes," Engineer said. "Pyro's hallucinations are uncomfortably similar to how this world looks. We showed her what Pyro sees one time and it made her PHYSICALLY ILL from how cheerful it was. There's no question that she'd side with your nations enemies while she was here."

"Which brings to mind a rather important question," Spy said, glaring at Miss Pauling.

"Whoah, hey, hang on," Scout said, realizing where Spy was going with this. "Miss Pauling ain't the type to just turn on us like that."

"You have a rather inaccurate viewpoint of my character, Scout, and I appreciate how well you think of me. But Spy's right. My first and only loyalty is to the Administrator. Which is why I'm going to help you all defeat her so we can get home," Miss Pauling said.

"...Surprising," Barricade said. "An evil minion siding against her mistress?"

Miss Pauling shook her head. "I've served the Administrator since I was a child," she said. "I owe her everything. I KNOW her, and I know her limits. This place isn't something she can control, and it'll devour her if she's not careful. I can feel it." She looked directly at Twilight Sparkle. "If need be, I will swear service to you. But only long enough to get the Administrator out of here. And I will kill anyone that tries to hurt her."

Everypony stared at her for a long moment. Twilight nodded, and sighed. "It'll have to do, I guess. What about all of you?"

"We want to go home," Heavy rumbled. "Some of us have families. If helping you makes that get done quicker, then so be it."

"Aye, that's pretty much what we all feel like," Demoman added. The others nodded as well.

"Hm..." Twilight said, looking thoughtful. "I need to discuss a few things with my friends. I'll be back..." She turned, leaving the room, Barricade following her.

Miss Pauling sighed. "...What's your read on her?" the dragoness asked after a moment.

Spy stared at her thoughtfully. It took a moment to gather his thoughts, the restraint necklace that suppressed his changeling magic making it difficult to focus. "She's cautious," Spy said. "There's a hint of bags under her eyes that make me think she's a chronic worrier."

"It could be just this trial that's coming up," Engineer suggested.

"No, I get the impression that she worries overmuch about things," Spy said, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "She wants to trust us, but she's being very careful."

"Is good idea. We are not nice people," Heavy rumbled.

"I dunno. I think I'm pretty nice," Scout said.

"Nice and annoying," Demoman cracked, he and Soldier chuckling.

Pyro rolled over so she was facing heads up. "It's... weird," Pyro said. "But this place... It feels like Pyroland. I get... flashes, sometimes... Are we in a jail cell made of crystal?"

Engineer blinked. "Yeah, we are. Are you starting to see reality?"

Pyro giggled. "Either that, or we're actually IN Pyroland and it's starting to override my hallucinations."

Miss Pauling blinked. "...Am I the only one terrified by that thought?" she asked.

"NO," Heavy rumbled.

"Hmph," Soldier said. "Wish Purple Smart wouldn't call herself a Princess so much."

"Why's that, lad?" Demoman asked.

"Because this is AMERICA, soldier!" Soldier declared, the others rolling their eyes. "We do not recognize royalty, for we have a system of election to decide who's in charge! AND BY GOD IT WORKS PERFECTLY!"

"Sure it does," Scout muttered.

"Soldier, she wasn't saying Princess," Spy said.

Soldier blinked. "She wasn't?"

Spy shook his head. "No. Princess Twilight is the Vice-President," he said. "Didn't you know that?"

Soldier faltered, the others giggling. The two guards on the other side of the bars traded incredulous looks.

"...I knew that," Soldier said. "I was just testing you." And in his demented mind, he believed it.

"Of course," Spy said. "And if you're good, maybe you'll get to meet President Celestia and President Luna when they come to visit."

Soldier gasped, bringing his hooves up to his face in excitement. "I might get to meet the Presidents?!" he said in an excited squeak.

"Eeyup," Engineer said, chuckling.

"But you have to be on your best behavior," Spy added, smirking.

"EEEE!" Soldier squeed, flailing. Demoman cackled merrily.

"Oh my God," Scout said, chuckling.

"I swear, I'd have a harder time playing the kazoo," Spy muttered, shaking his head.

One of the guards chuckled, the other giving her a stern look.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

 _Elsewhere in the castle..._

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Twilight sat down at a large, round table showing a map of Equestria, the princess's seat a large, crystalline throne. Six other thrones were around it, one for each of the five ponies and teenage purple dragon around it. At the entrance to the room, Barricade stood beside a smaller pinkish-lavender unicorn with a stylized star and magical glimmer cutie mark, her mane in a stylish cut. Above the map floated an image of the prison cell, showing the mercenaries.

"Well, girls, Spike... You all were listening in," Twilight said. "What's your read on them?"

A sporty-looking sky-blue pegasus with a messy, rainbow-colored mane scowled at the image. "I dunno," she said. "They're all completely loyal to each other, I can tell that. But they kinda give me the creeps. Plus that Scout guy gets on my nerves a little."

A muscular orange earth pony wearing a stetson over her blonde mane nodded. "They weren't lyin,' so that's somethin' in their favor. I believe them when they said they just wanna get their boss and go home. But still, all that they talked about..." She shook her head. "They're violent. Very violent. I know we forgave Discord, and Starlight over there," she said, gesturing to the small unicorn near the door, "but these ponies are something else."

A fair-faced yellow pegasus with a long, pink mane looked at them thoughtfully. "...I won't deny that they scare me. But there's something about them... I guess I can see the potential for great goodness in them."

Next to the pegasus, a white unicorn with her purple mane in a stylish curl chuckled. "And here I thought I was supposed to be the generous one, Fluttershy."

Fluttershy blushed, smiling. "Well... Sometimes being generous is a part of being kind, Rarity," she said.

Rarity nodded, flipping her stylish mane out of her face. "True, true... And honestly, I'm inclined to agree on this. I believe them when they said that leading the timber wolf to town was an accident. Perhaps we should give them a chance?"

"Yeah!" said a bouncy pink earth pony with a decidedly puffy dark pink tail and mane. "Just because they do bad things from time to time, doesn't mean they're bad guys!"

"You're talking about the Anti-Hero Principle, aren't you Pinkie Pie?" Twilight asked.

Pinkie Pie blinked. "Sure, why not?" she said, having no idea what Twilight was talking about.

A tallish purple dragon with green spikes going down his back stared at the image thoughtfully. "If nothing else," he said. "We might be able to make use of them as extra security. Under supervision, of course."

"That's a decent idea, Spike," Twilight said, the dragon smiling.

The rainbow-maned pegasus frowned. "I still don't know..." she said. She turned to the two near the door. "Starlight Glimmer? Barricade? What's your take on them?"

Barricade sighed. "They're all trained soldiers. I can tell from the way they move. And they all have a look in their eyes of someone who's killed. Plus, Soldier, Medic, and Pyro are openly psychotic. I have... severe reservations," she said.

"Well, mom," Fluttershy said, "we took a chance on Discord, didn't we? And Starlight? And the changelings?"

Barricade sighed. "This is different. Discord... he's a force of nature. I don't think he even knew any better until you started being his friend. And Starlight was just badly misguided. Yeah, she nearly committed an atrocity, but she backed down willingly when she was shown she was wrong, and has done everything she could to make up for what she's done since then. To the point where even I, Little Miss Suspicious, completely trust her."

Starlight grinned happily. "Coming from you, that's high praise. Thank you," she said.

"Little? Ain't nothing little about you," the hat-wearing earth pony said, smirking.

"From your lips to my tush, Applejack," Barricade said, smirking back at her. She then sighed, finishing her thought. "The changelings, for their part, were under the command of a bad leader, and she's in custody in the maximum security prison underground. With Thorax in charge, especially after Dragonlord Ember helped him toughen up, the changelings have become valuable allies with a thriving society. Especially after the remaining outliers were convinced to switch to our side. These mercenaries, though, they're killers. They speak of murder so casually..." She shook her head. "You know my feelings about killing, and why I have them."

"I know," Twilight said. "And I can understand that... Starlight?"

Starlight Glimmer sighed. "...This is gonna sound dumb, and possibly offensive to Spike, but the only one of them I feel can't be trusted in some way is the dragoness," she said. "I get the feeling she's the only one of the group that's actually evil."

The rainbow-maned pegasus blinked. "...Even with the three lunatics in the group?"

Starlight nodded. "Yeah, Rainbow Dash," she said. "Medic makes me nervous, but I get the feeling he genuinely loves his teammates. Pyro's more innocent crazy, and from observing her I think she can be controlled. And Soldier's too dumb to do anything too dangerous. I mean, Spy just now convinced him that Twilight was a Vice-President in just a few sentences."

The girls giggled. Spike sighed. "Yeah, I think Miss Pauling is going to be the wildcard. She openly stated that her first loyalty is to this Administrator crazy, whom may be teaming up with whatever may be working against us in the upcoming trial," he said. "Plus, as much as I hate to disparage my own species, she turned into a dragon coming over."

Rarity frowned. "Darling, just because..."

"Rarity, I love you, but I know full well what my kind is like. Even Dragonlord Ember, as friendly as she is, is still incredibly vicious, and prone to greed at times," Spike said, fluffing his wings idly. "And Miss Pauling openly admits that she's an evil minion with a specialty in 'disposal.'" He shook his head. "If we do let them out, I think I want to be the one to primarily keep an eye on her."

"If Scout will let you," Rainbow Dash snickered. "It's obvious he's got a crush on her."

"I don't need a girlfriend," Spike said. "I've got Rarity."

Rarity grinned. "And you most certainly have matured into quite the handsome beast," she said, making Spike blush.

"If... if I may?" Fluttershy asked.

Twilight nodded. "Go ahead," she said.

"I think we should let them use the mirror portal," Fluttershy said. "Some of them said they have families... I think it'd be nice if they could contact them, let them know that they're okay. I mean, if what they said about how they got here is true, they would have disappeared quite suddenly."

"It also may expose us to this Merasmus feller," Applejack said, worried. "We don't know the limits of his magic."

"Which means he's gotta face Sunset!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. "She's got rainbow magic over there, too! And you know how effective it is against meanie-pants magic!"

Twilight looked down, thinking over things. "...There are valid concerns about the mercenaries, but there's also the potential for good they can do. Plus, they said they just want to retrieve their employer and go home, which means they want to spend as little time here as possible. Let's put it to a vote. Starlight and Barricade, you vote too. The matter in question is letting the mercenaries go free, under certain conditions, to help us potentially fight the Administrator and go home. All in favor?"

Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Spike, Starlight, Twilight, and after a moment, Rainbow Dash raised their hooves. Applejack and Barricade frowned.

"Guess it's just the two of us opposing," Applejack said.

"I'll trust your judgment on this, your Highness," Barricade said, "and I'll go along with your plan. But I would like to once again note my objections to it."

"So noted," Twilight said, nodding. "I promise you, I Pinkie Promise you, that I'll do what I can to keep everypony safe."

Pinkie Pie giggled, hopping over the table to hug Twilight. "And you know that I always hold ponies to Pinkie Promises!"

Everyone there chuckled. Twilight stood up. "All right," she said. "Barricade? Spike? Come with me."

Barricade and Spike followed Twilight out of the room as they headed back to the cell that contained the mercenaries. The conversation they walked in on, however...

"...I still can't believe you trust him," Miss Pauling said incredulously. "He STOLE your SOULS and surgically grafted them to his own!"

"Eh. We kinda expect that sorta thing from him at this point," Scout said. "Plus, transferring us over to this world also gave us all back our souls, so no harm done."

"Um... what?" Twilight said, she, Barricade, and Spike giving the mercenaries confused looks.

Medic smiled. "Yes, I can understand how this would be confusing to walk in on," he said. "Well, for starters, I like to perform surgery on my teammates, see what enhancements I can give them. Consent is... well, sometimes, for the sake of Science, I just don't bother with consent. And while my enhancements don't always take, the Respawn fixed everything right up."

"Which we don't have no more," Engineer said. "So no inserting anything into us or anyone else while we're asleep."

"You wouldn't have complained if that dolphin lung I tried to add to you made you amphibious," Medic said, smirking.

"That's beside the point," Engineer said, grinning.

"But what does that have to do with souls?" Spike asked.

"Oh, that," Medic said. "I sold my soul to the ruler of Hell in exchange for becoming the greatest medical genius of all time. No matter how ridiculous it is, if I can justify it in my head as a medical procedure, I can do it."

Barricade, Spike, Twilight, and the guards gave Medic an alarmed look. Medic just smiled, and continued. "Anyway, as I did not want to be damned to Hell when I died permanently, I decided to exploit a loophole in the contract. It specifically said the the devil must own 'majority stock' in my soul. So I stole my teammates' souls and grafted them to my own. Surgically."

"...And you're NOT mad about this?" Barricade asked, shocked.

"If you think about it, it would have worked out for us as well," Spy said casually.

Medic nodded. "While the souls were mine, they were all essentially a part of my own soul. The devil wouldn't be able to claim it, as he only had a claim on a ninth of it. Which means I get a free pass to Heaven, and take my friends souls with me!" he said, beaming.

A long moment passed. Twilight, looking fascinated, asked, "How do you graft multiple souls together?"

"Well," Medic started. "It's really quite a fascinating process. You see..."

"Twilight? Please don't ask the mad scientist how to do things," Spike pleaded, Twilight flinching and blushing.

"'Insane' scientist, please. Mad has connotations of anger, and really, I'm not the type to be in a bad mood very often," Medic said, smiling. "I also don't mind being called crazy, bonkers, nutso, batshit fucking loopy, 'oh God you horrible monster,' or any synonym for insane you can think of except mad."

"Works for me," Spike muttered.

"Anyway," Medic said, "the procedure, along with every other enhancement I've given my friends, was undone. Everyone has their souls back, so I'll have to find a new way to beat the devil."

"Doctor can take Heavy's soul again," Heavy rumbled, "if he wants. Heavy trusts you."

Medic smiled. "That's sweet of you, my friend, but no, I think I will work on something different," he said.

"Why do you perform such insane surgeries on your teammates?" Twilight asked.

Medic looked genuinely confused at the question. "...They are my friends," he said. "Why would I not want to make them stronger, more powerful?"

Twilight stared at Medic for a moment, and smiled. "Moving on," Twilight said. "We've decided to let you go on a conditional basis. Your melee weapons will be returned to you, but not your firearms and explosives. We'll need to see if we can trust you more before we return them."

Heavy growled angrily. Barricade silenced him with her Glare.

"As a condition of your release, you're all going to be temporarily conscripted into the Royal Guard," Twilight continued.

"Wait," Soldier said suddenly. "Are you telling me that we are being drafted into military service?"

Twilight blinked. "Yes. Is that a problem?"

The mercenaries all smiled at that. Soldier, a blissful look on his face, lay back against the wall. "No ma'am. None whatsoever," he said softly. To Barricade's surprise, tears were in his eyes.

"We'll explain later," Demoman said, hugging Soldier and smiling back at Twilight. "Suffice to say, you just made him very happy, and I thank you for that."

"Well, that worked out," Twilight said. "Miss Pauling, as we have greater concerns about you, you'll be working directly for my personal assistant, Spike." She gestured to Spike, who nodded.

"That's fine," Miss Pauling said, nodding. "Personal assistant is basically my job to begin with."

Twilight nodded. "And also, as a gesture of good faith, we'll be allowing you to use the mirror portal to return home long enough to contact your families," she said.

Demoman, Sniper, Scout, Heavy, and Engineer brightened. "You... you have a way for us to go home?" Scout said, excited. "I mean, I remember that muffin girl saying something about it, but... it's real?"

Twilight grinned. "We aren't about to make you stay in our world against your will," she said. "We have a portal to the human world. Someone from our world works as an ambassador there."

The mercenaries cheered. "Sunny Flare, Sandalwood, let them out," Twilight said. The female unicorn nodded, pulling a key that had been mounted in a panel out and unlocking the door, using her magic to remove their restraining devices as well. Gratefully, the mercenaries followed Twilight and company as they led them through the castle, the two guards following behind the mercenaries.

They eventually came to a room with a large, shining mirror in it. Engineer, to his surprise, could sense several levels of enchantment on the mirror. Next to the mirror was a large device holding a journal in it.

"You'll be reappearing out of a statue in front of a high school," Twilight said. "Fortunately, classes aren't in session, so you shouldn't raise too many questions."

"Thank you, lass," Demoman said gratefully.

Twilight nodded, removing the journal from the device. "Let me write Sunset Shimmer, our ambassador in that world, and let her know you're coming. She'll take you to a place where you can use a phone to call your families." She wrote in the journal, and after a few moments, the journal glowed, words appearing magically in it. "Okay," Twilight said, sticking the journal back into the device. "You're all set. She'll meet you there with her van."

Heavy smiled. "You are good pony," he said, trundling through the portal, disappearing in a flash. Scout, Demoman, Engineer, and Sniper followed soon after.

Sandalwood chuckled. "Heh... I wonder if they'll meet my counterpart over there," he said.

Spy and Miss Pauling turned towards the guard, alarmed. "I'm... sorry, did you say you have a double over there?" Spy asked.

Sandalwood nodded. "Yeah. Me and Sunny both do," he said. "So does Twilight, Spike, and all her friends." He shook his head. "Boy, it was weird finding that out. I can't even imagine what human me looks like."

A sinking feeling came over Miss Pauling and the remaining mercenaries. "This double... He has the same name as you?" Miss Pauling asked.

Sandalwood nodded, frowning. "Yeah... Princess Twilight said that everything there looked like human versions of most ponies she knew here..." he said.

"Including coloring?" Medic asked, alarmed.

"Y-yes?" Sandalwood said, disturbed now, Sunny Flare moving in front of him protectively as the mercenaries got in his face.

"Oh no..." Spy said softly.

"What's going on? What's wrong?" Barricade asked.

"Princess..." Miss Pauling said. "I don't think that's our world..."

"WHAT?!" Twilight said, her wings spreading in shock.

The portal flashed just then, a furious Demoman charging through. " _ **YOU! LIED!**_ "

Soldier immediately ran to keep the raging demolitions expert from attacking Twilight. Heavy came through next, also looking furious, but more controlled. Scout, Engineer, and Sniper's expressions were haunted and frightened.

"It... it wasn't our world! We were human, but we were still weird-colored!" Scout said. "What the hell's going on!?"

Heavy growled, stomping forward. "Was not our world. Still felt like THIS world! Tiny princess will explain NOW!" he roared, Barricade moving to block Heavy.

"I swear to you, I didn't know that wasn't your world!" Twilight said, looking stricken. "That is the ONLY alternate dimension we've ever had contact with! The only world I know that has humans!"

"So, what, you don't know how to get us home?!" Sniper demanded.

"I..." Twilight grimaced, starting to cry. "I'm sorry, I don't..."

The mercenaries, especially the ones with families, looked horrified at that. "No... No, that can't be right! I can't be stuck here without my brothers or my ma! Not with him!" Scout said, Spy flinching in pain.

"My daughter..." Engineer said, starting to hyperventilate. "I can't... I have to be there for her! If I miss a visitation, the courts will give sole custody to my ex, and she..." He broke up into sobs, Pyro nuzzling him to try and comfort him. "I can't leave my baby girl to Irene! I can't!"

"I cannae leave me mum!" Demoman roared, his accent getting thicker as he fought against Soldier holding him back "I have t'be there for her! She's old, and blind!"

"Heavy swore he would always be there for his mother, his sisters..." Heavy rumbled. "Heavy cannot be stuck here!"

"My folks..." Sniper said, taking to the air reflexively in a panic. "They're old. They need the money I bring in, I can't be stuck here!"

Twilight was in tears, unable to decide what to do. The mercenaries were panicking, and starting to argue. Barricade, Sandalwood, and Sunny Flare were all preparing for a fight. The alicorn, so shocked by this, was struggling to think of what to do, what to say.

And then Spike intervened.

" _ **ENOUGH!**_ " he roared, the force of his shout shaking the room. The mercenaries were startled into silence, staring at the dragon. He huffed, folding his arms. "Look. I know you're scared. I know you want to get out of here. But PANICKING isn't helping! I'm sorry that wasn't your world, but yelling and fighting won't solve anything!"

The mercenaries, looking abashed, started to calm down. "They're our families, yo," Scout said softly.

"I know. I sympathize," Spike said. "But you have to give us a chance."

Sniper took a deep breath, landing again. "You... You're right, mate. Sorry, that wasn't professional."

"Yeah... yeah, I just..." Scout shook his head. "Not exactly in a good place mentally right now. Sorry."

Heavy grunted. "Hnrh... I apologize. Too much bad is happening all at once..." he said, looking away.

Engineer removed his goggles, wiping his eyes. "S-Sorry... Things are just bad between me and my ex-wife. It wasn't proper of me to break down like that."

Demoman, reluctantly, backed down. "Hngh... Sorry. I'll... I'll be fine, if ye can find me something te drink. Something strong."

Twilight hugged Spike gratefully, kissing the dragon the cheek. "Thank you..." she said softly, turning her attention then to the mercenaries. "I honestly didn't know that that wasn't your world. I'm sorry for what happened. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through right now. And I swear, on everything that I am, no matter what, we'll find a way for you to get home."

"Thank you..." Engineer said, putting his goggles back on. "I'm so sorry, this... this is all happening just too damn quickly."

Barricade sighed in relief, glad a fight was averted. "The most we can do right now is make you comfortable in town. We'll find a place for you all to live," she said. "After what has happened, if you don't want to take part in the security team..."

"No," Soldier said firmly. "I'm not giving this opportunity up."

Demoman sighed, and said, "Aye. Doing something will help me take my mind off of things."

Sniper shook his head. "We agreed to the contract. We're not abandoning it until finished," he said.

The other mercenaries and Miss Pauling also agreed. Barricade nodded. "Then I'll also give you the full briefing on who's coming, and what procedures to follow."

The journal glowed again. "I'll join you shortly. Spike, Captain Barricade? Would you be willing to start the tour of Ponyville without me?" Twilight asked.

"Sure thing," Spike said. "C'mon! Ponyville's a great place."

Barricade, Spike, and the mercenaries left, Sunny Flare heading back to her post. Sandalwood hesitated. "Your Highness, I'm sorry, I..."

Twilight shook her head as she opened the journal. "You couldn't have known. And even if you hadn't spoke up, they would have found out," she said, smiling. "You're not in trouble."

Sandalwood bowed. "Thank you, your Highness," he said, going to join Sunny Flare.

Twilight smiled, and turned to the journal.

"Twilight, did something happen? Those guys I was supposed to meet aren't here," Sunset had written.

Twilight sighed, writing back. "It was a mistake sending them. Your world isn't the same as theirs, and they panicked. The situation was defused, thankfully."

After a moment, Sunset wrote back. "Oh no... Are they going to be okay?"

"I hope so," Twilight wrote. "It's just one thing after another..."

"Do you want me to come over early? I can bring my notes on dimensional travel and alternate realities..." Sunset offered.

Twilight thought for a moment, and shook her head. "Stick to the schedule for now," she wrote. "I'm going to see what I can look up on my end first."

"Okay," Sunset wrote. "Good luck."

"Same to you," Twilight wrote. "See you in a couple days. And say hi to the other me for me."

She placed the journal back in the device, shaking her head. "Okay, Twilight... Let's see if we can salvage this, and at least make them feel at home..."

 _ **TO BE CONTINUED...**_


	4. Chapter 3: A Good First Impression 1

_**Waking Nightmares: Remix Heart**_

 _ **by Jonathan "KnightMysterio" Spires**_

 _ **Chapter 3: A Good First Impression part 1**_

 _All characters copyrighted to their original owners. If you like my work, please support me on or with a one-time donation! Every little bit helps me pay the bills!_

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

 _Friendship Castle..._

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

The mood far more somber, Barricade and Spike led the mercenaries out to the main chamber, where the rest of Twilight's friends were waiting. "You wait here," Barricade said. "Your melee weapons are being checked over and will be returned to you shortly."

"Actually," Medic said, "can I also have my medigun?"

"My toolkit, too?" Engineer asked. Spy nodded in approval of the idea. He still had his disguise kit, sapper, and watch, but he was curious about his body's new abilities and would wait until he understood them better before seeing if he wanted to use them. Besides, his new body probably wasn't adjusted to cigarettes yet, and he hadn't had a craving for them...

Barricade sighed. "The firearms.."

"My medigun isn't a firearm. It's a healing device," Medic said.

Barricade blinked. "...What?"

"It's a device that shoots an energy ray that accelerates healing," Medic explained, smiling. "I made it so I could heal the others directly on the battlefield."

"My toolkit can create a device that does the same thing," Engineer said, "only stationary. If nothing else, having a couple of healing devices around will be useful, right?"

Barricade hesitated for a long moment. She looked to Spike, who shrugged. "...All right," Barricade said reluctantly. "You'll get those back as well."

"Wunderbar," Medic said. "Thank you!"

Barricade went off to retrieve the weapons, the elephantine pegasus frowning as her mind whirled with uncertainty.

Spike shook his head. "Anyway..." he said. "These are mine and Twilight's friends. We've been watching you through the table's magic."

Fascinated, Medic came up to the table, looking it over. The ponies surrounding it watched with amusement as the physician unicorn poked at it, trying to figure out how it worked.

Spike chuckled. "We'll show you later," he said. "Anyway, this fine mare here is Applejack. She helps run Sweet Apple Acres on the outskirts of town."

The orange mare, the largest and most muscular of the group, tipped her hat to them. "A pleasure," she said. "I'm awful sorry to hear that y'all can't get back to your families right away. If it's all right, and if I can swing it with m'folks, we'd love to have y'all over for dinner later tonight."

Engineer, Heavy, Scout, Sniper, and Demoman talked quietly among each other for a moment, and nodded. "Thank y'kindly," Engineer said. "We'd like that a lot."

 _Anything to stave off this helpless feeling,_ the five of them thought.

Spike nodded, turning to Rarity, an elegant unicorn with a curvy, soft figure. "This is my marefriend, Rarity," he said. "She owns the Carousel Boutique fashion shop here in town, and is one of the most successful designers in Equestria."

"Charmed," the elegant white mare said. She turned to Spy specifically, and looked him over. "And I must say, sir, your suit is magnificent."

Spy allowed himself a grin. "Merci, madame," Spy said. "Indeed, this was made by one of the finest tailors on my world, using the rarest silks..."

"Don't get him started, sheila," Sniper said. "He'll rant about that bloody thing all day."

Spy cast him an amused glare. "Don't be jealous because I found a common ground with one of the locals immediately," he said. Sniper just chuckled.

"Interesting that you say you're in a relationship with her," Miss Pauling said, looking at Rarity and Spike thoughtfully.

"Yeah," Spike said, blushing. "I've been in love with her since I was a kid. Honestly, it was a pain waiting until I was old enough and LOOKED old enough to act on it."

Rarity giggled, nuzzling him. "Indeed. But I'm glad we both waited. Spike's been my shining knight for ages. Now he can LEGALLY be my knight," she said.

"I was referring more to the species difference," Miss Pauling said.

The locals in the room looked honestly confused. "...Why would that be an issue?" Rarity asked.

Miss Pauling looked REALLY interested by that. "So there's no taboo against inter-species marriage, or anything like that?"

Applejack shook her head. "Not really," she said. "I mean, some still grump about it, but that's mostly stuffy old timers what don't know how to let go of the past."

Demoman grinned, chuckling. "Aye, we have those in our world too," he said.

Rainbow Dash, who was muscular like Applejack but with a slimmer build, took initiative for the next greeting, stepping forward and saluting. Soldier saluted back automatically, smacking himself in the face. "Ow."

"Anyone get the feeling that's going to be a running gag with him?" Scout quipped.

"Heh," Rainbow Dash chuckled, fluffing her wings in amusement. "I'm Rainbow Dash, Senior Master Sergeant of the Wonderbolts Air Corps."

"It's an honor to meet you, fellow soldier!" Soldier declared. "I will happily follow you into battle, and if need be hold your guts in while declaring my will to avenge you to the heavens!"

Rainbow Dash blinked.

"Just roll with it," Demoman said. "It's easier to just play along."

"O... kay..." Rainbow Dash said, she and the others looking uneasy. "Anyway. I'm the fastest flier in the world."

Scout snorted.

Rainbow Dash gave him an amused looked. "You doubtin' me, candybug?"

Scout sneered. "Maybe I am. Ain't no one ever beat me in a foot race, and I doubt there's anyone out there who can."

Rainbow Dash grinned. "Maybe you just never had the right challenger?"

Scout smirked right back. "Well bring it on!"

Spy shook his head. "Heaven help us, there's two of them..." he muttered, the others chuckling.

"Ha!" Rainbow Dash said. "Any time you like, candybug! I'll... uh... why is she chewing on my tail?" During the conversation, Pyro had glomped onto Rainbow Dash's tail and started chewing on it.

"You taste like fruit candy!" Pyro said cheerfully, going back to nomming on Rainbow Dash's tail.

The others snickered, as Engineer facehooved. "I'm... so sorry..." he said to Rainbow Dash. "Pyro, dear? If you stop chewing on her tail, I'll get you some real candy later."

Pyro immediately appeared by Engineer's side, smiling. "Okay!" she chirped. Rainbow Dash grumbled, trying to smooth out her tail.

Fluttershy giggled. Spike took that as a cue to introduce her. "This is Fluttershy. She runs the local animal sanctuary," he said.

The tall, lanky pegasus squeaked in fright, startled by the sudden focus. "H-Hello..." she said quietly. "I-I'm so sorry to hear about your pets..."

Demoman sighed. "Aye... Damn wizard..."

"If you like, you can help with the sanctuary too while you're here," Fluttershy offered. "The other guards take second jobs to help pass the time while guarding."

Heavy nodded. "Da. Is good," he rumbled. "Heavy is not walk around on patrol type."

Fluttershy squeaked at how loud Heavy's voice was, hiding behind Rainbow Dash.

Medic went over to Heavy and poked him. Heavy sighed, and spoke in a softer voice. "Heavy is sorry, little shy pony. Heavy is big man with big voice. Heavy only squashes enemies, not adorable new friends," he said.

Rainbow Dash nudged her friend. "C'mon. It's okay," she said.

Fluttershy gulped hard, and stepped forward again. "S-Sorry..." she said in a quiet voice. "What... what pets did you have?"

"Birds," Heavy said. "Lots of birds. Heavy had little bitty robin. Was very cute."

"And I had a dove I named Archimedes," Medic said. "I had a lot of doves, actually."

"I had a baby kangaroo and a little baby crocodile," Sniper said. "And an owl. And a little chameleon."

"I just had a parrot," Demoman said. "Foul mouthed little bastard, but I liked him."

"I had this totally awesome little squirrel as a pet, named him Chucklenuts," Scout said, smiling wistfully. "Stole snacks for me and we shared them."

"I had a pet snake," Spy said, sighing. "I regret that I didn't spend more time with it now..."

In a surprisingly soft voice, Soldier said, "A bald eagle. Couple of them, actually. Plus a raccoon I was really fond of. Named him Lieutenant Bites."

"I had a little kitty," Engineer said. "And a canary named Ein. And a little baby armadillo I wanted to raise. Oh! And near the end, I rescued a baby seal from a carnival that was mistreatin' their animals."

"That was a FUN mission," Pyro said.

The mercenaries all grinned, remembering that battle.

"I don't remember you guys being sent on that mission," Miss Pauling said, looking at them curiously.

"We were RED instead of BLU at the time," Scout said. "Just something we did for fun."

"We may be rough types, but there ain't no way we're letting some scumbag abuse animals," Sniper added.

"Shame we couldn't keep the elephant… Ah well," Scout said, shrugging.

Pyro sighed, smiling. "Anyway... I had a cute little alien blob thing. Everyone told me he was a toy, but I knew he was real. There was also some stray cats that hung around the bases that we fed. And a bat and a raven we all took care of too."

Fluttershy shook her head sympathetically. "Sounds like you all had a lot of love to go around," she said.

The mercenaries all chuckled ruefully. "Eh. Most of us like animals more than people," Scout said.

"You seem pretty calm, lass," Demoman said. "Considering that you know what we are, what our jobs are."

Fluttershy shook her head, smiling. "One of my best friends is an ancient god of chaos. We have tea on a regular basis. Ponies can seem bad, and do bad things, but have a lot of good in them. And besides! Anypony who is willing to take on a pet and take care of them properly is a good person in my book," she said.

The mercenaries all blushed, Miss Pauling barely restraining herself from rolling her eyes. Starlight cast Fluttershy a silently grateful look for not bringing up her own troubled past. She wasn't ashamed of it, but she preferred to bring it up on her own, if at all.

Spike smiled, and looked for Pinkie Pie, who seemed to have vanished. "Um... I was gonna introduce Pinkie Pie, but she seems to have vanished..."

"She a shy one too?" Sniper asked.

That got the native ponies laughing. "Sun and stars, no," said Starlight Glimmer, a smirk on the slim unicorn's face. "She just realized she forgot her traditional 'greeting' supplies, and went to get them. I'll introduce myself in the meantime." She smiled. "I'm Starlight Glimmer! Personal disciple to the Princess of Friendship."

Engineer frowned, looking around. "Pleased t'meet you, ma'am, but... How did Pinkie Pie get out of here without any of us seeing? This is a big wide room with only one exit," he asked.

Starlight giggled. "There's a rather important lesson about Pinkie Pie and her understanding her unique abilities that I learned fairly early on," she said.

"What's that?" Engineer asked.

"Don't bother trying to understand them," Starlight said. Engineer scowled, and Starlight shook her head. "I'm dead serious on this. I tried to do a scientific study on her abilities and gave myself a stroke trying to understand them. Ended up in a coma for a month."

Engineer scowled, and shook his head. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I just can't do that. In name and profession, I'm an engineer. I look for the practical in everything," he said. "There's always a reasonable scientific explanation for everything."

"There's nothing practical or reasonable about Pinkie," Rarity said, looking bemused. "Truthfully, it's part of her charm."

"In fact, if I know Pinkie," Rainbow Dash said, "I'm betting she's going to reappear... right under your hardhat."

Pinkie Pie emerged from underneath the hardhat, the short, chubby earth pony standing on top of Engineer's clean-shaven head. "How'd you know?!" the party mare asked, the mercenaries staring in shock.

Rainbow Dash grinned. "It seemed like something you'd do," she said.

Pinkie Pie giggled, hopping off of Engineer's head and putting his hat back on his head. Engineer's jaw was dropped, and his eyes were visibly bulging with shock beneath his goggles. "Anyway!" Pinkie Pie said. "I don't have a nice song to greet you with, but I did have some nice treats I bought for you."

She pulled a tray of fresh cupcakes out of her mane, offering them to everyone. The mercenaries stared at her a moment.

"...Bloody hell, I don't need to be drunk," Demoman said, chuckling and accepting a cupcake. "This place is weird enough on its own." Pyro, taking the whole thing in stride, took one as well. The others, after recovering from their post-Pinkie stunt shock, accepted them as well. Engineer was still staring at her, confused out of his gourd.

"HOW!?" he said.

"Sometimes, if it's comically appropriate, I can move through the narrative," Pinkie Pie said, smiling. "Try a cupcake!"

"But..." Engineer stammered. "What does that even mean?! Did you use some kind of spell? Did you contort your body!? It makes NO SENSE! I..." He was cut off as Pyro shoved the last cupcake into his mouth. He chewed it thoughtfully for a moment, contemplating. "...That's a mighty fine cupcake."

Pinkie Pie smiled happily. "Thank you!" she said. "It's an experimental recipe, actually. A peanut butter/strawberry fusion and..."

"Too much peanut butter," Heavy rumbled.

Everypony looked at him. Heavy licked his lips thoughtfully. "Da. Too much peanut butter," he said. "Strawberry taste too weak."

"Now, hold on there," Applejack said, coming to her friend's defense. "I've had those cupcakes m'self, and they're..."

Pinkie Pie held up a hoof, silencing her. She gave Heavy a serious look. "You really think so?"

Heavy nodded. "Flavors not balanced," he said.

Scout frowned. "Tasted pretty good to me," he said, the others nodding.

"Not saying cupcake tastes bad," Heavy said. "Is good. Just not good balance of flavor." The massive man looked thoughtful for a moment. "How much peanut butter do you use?"

"A half cup," Pinkie Pie said.

"Try reducing amount. One third cup. Or add more strawberry," Heavy suggested. He smiled. "Is good cupcake. Just could be better."

Pinkie Pie looked thoughtful. "Huh... Okay, thank you! I'll try that!" she said, bouncing away.

Everyone relaxed after that. "The big guy's the team chef?" Rainbow Dash asked.

Engineer nodded, casting a bewildered glance at Pinkie Pie. "He does most of the cooking, although me, Demo, and Spy sometimes alternate. Soldier only knows how to cook two things, Medic gets a little too aggressive in the 'chopping' phase of food prep and tends to break things, Sniper only knows how to do campfire stuff, Pyro burned down the base the one and only time we allowed her to cook, and Scout's pretty much helpless without a microwave."

Scout chuckled. "I'd complain, but it's true," he admitted.

At that moment, Barricade came back, carting the mercenaries melee weapons, Engineer's toolkit, and Medic's medigun in a satchel. She looked disturbed.

"Is the sword cursed or something?" she asked, handing Demoman his sheathed weapon.

"HeAdS..." the sword moaned.

The demolitionist nodded, sighing as he put the sheath back on his back. "Aye. Damned thing. It's a decapitation-happy cursed sword called Eyelander. I can control it, though."

Fluttershy whimpered, hiding behind Rarity. The other ponies looked alarmed.

"I cAnNoT bE cOnTrOlLeD! i WiLl TaStE tHe NeCkS oF..." Eyelander proclaimed.

"Shut up or I'll use you as a toilet plunger again!" Demoman barked.

"On burrito night!" Soldier added helpfully, Demoman cackling and nodding in agreement.

"...I'lL bE gOoD," Eyelander whimpered.

Soldier shook his head. "I swear, some people you just can't take anywhere," he said. "At least he's a better roommate than Merasmus was."

Demoman chuckled.

"...Are any of your other weapons alive?" Rainbow Dash, looking more fascinated than frightened.

"Nah," Engineer said, pocketing his wrench. "Just the sword."

"Dang," Rainbow Dash said, chuckling.

Fluttershy squeaked again. Starlight Glimmer frowned. "If you need a proper seal on that thing, I know a few good spells," she offered. "Twilight knows more."

Demoman nodded. "Not right now, lass, but I'll keep that in mind," he said.

Barricade sighed, shaking her head. "Anyway, let's get started with the tour," she said.

"Ooh!" Pinkie Pie said, hopping over to Barricade. "Can we start with Sugarcube Corner?"

Applejack chuckled. "Seems like a fine way to make a good impression on the town," she said.

Rainbow Dash nodded. "Sure," she said. "Everypony likes the Corner."

Pinkie Pie bounced happily. Barricade led the others out, Spike and Miss Pauling trailing behind them all. Barricade elected to stay behind when some of her newly recruited guardsmen needed help, letting the Bearers take command of the tour. "So what do you do for this Administrator?" Spike asked.

Miss Pauling shrugged. "Whatever she asks of me. File reports, sort mail, monitor the mercenaries, trick them into hating each other from time to time, killing witnesses, chopping up bodies for better decomposition, disposing of evidence..." She smiled. "I've actually developed my own recipe for quicklime. It's a bit more efficient than the name brand stuff we usually buy."

"Everything about what you just said disturbs me," Spike said.

Miss Pauling just smirked. "What about you?" she asked. "What's your role?"

"I'm Twilight's assistant," Spike said. "I help her organize her books, help her take notes, clean up experiments, chase off the paparazzi, hit her with a newspaper when she does something potentially destructive, drug her food when she insists on doing an all-nighter." He smirked a little. "She's getting better about realizing she can't stay up for a month straight to do research."

"Sounds like you have a real mad scientist for an employer," Miss Pauling said, amused.

"Eh. More overenthusiastic than mad," Spike said. "You're going to be acting as my aide for the time I'm here."

Miss Pauling nodded. "I'm fine with that," she said. "What will be my primary duties?"

"I'll think of that later," Spike said. "Right now, I just want to get through the introductions without causing a riot..." He sighed, rubbing his temples.

Miss Pauling gave him a curious look. "Anyone who might be trouble?" she asked.

"The Flower Trio," Spike said, starting to walk after the others, Miss Pauling following him. "Roseluck, Daisy, and Lily Valley. They've gotten better over the years, but they're so prone to panic, and then herd instinct kicks in..."

Miss Pauling frowned. "You ever thought about just getting rid of them?" she asked with perfect sincerity.

Spike glared at her. "No. Because that's not what good ponies do," he said.

Miss Pauling smirked. "What about dragons?" she asked.

"No killing!" Spike snapped.

"Fine, fine..." Miss Pauling said, rolling her eyes. "But it is a really efficient problem solver. Honestly, if you think about it, there's very little that can't be solved with the proper application of murder."

"I hate everything about what you just said," Spike muttered. "Your boss teach you that?"

"Yep," Miss Pauling said.

"Your boss is a horrible woman," Spike said.

"Yep," Miss Pauling agreed.

"You worry me," Spike muttered as they left the castle, meeting up with the others. The mercenaries had all stopped, taking in the atmosphere of the place.

It was colorful. That was the first thing they all noticed. Everything around them felt so vibrant, so alive. It was strange to them all, who were used to the dull browns and grays of Teufort. And it wasn't just the landscape that felt vibrant.

All around them, ponies were busily trotting about, selling things, buying things, or just enjoying each other's company. Unicorns were floating things around, pegasi were up in the sky, come of them moving clouds around. One of them hopped up and down on a cloud, making it rain.

"...Miss Muffins said they could do it," Sniper said softly. "But actually seeing it... Seeing someone actually control the weather like this..."

They were all clearly in awe, even Miss Pauling. The native ponies just looked at each other in amusement, Applejack stepping forward. "C'mon," she said. "We'll show you around. Let's head for Sugarcube Corner."

The natives all gave the nine gruff-looking mercenaries a wide berth, although many of them called out polite greetings to them. They noticed this, not sure of what to make of it.

"People are staying back, and yet trying to be polite at the same time," Spy noted.

"Most of you have this weird smell to you, like cordite and blood," Spike said. "It's... troubling."

"Hm," Engineer said. "That's fair."

The group led them through town, eventually coming to the central part of town. Prominently, in the main circle of the village, there was a large building that looked almost exactly like a giant gingerbread house.

"Singing and dancing house YAY!" Pyro cheered, as to her eyes, the house was bobbing back and forth and singing a nonsense song. The others cast her looks ranging from amused to concerned.

Engineer chuckled. "Was wondering how she'd see this house. So! This is Sugarcube Corner?" he asked.

Pinkie Pie nodded. "Yep! I work here with the Cakes!"

"That's Mr. and Mrs. Cake," Applejack clarified. "Along with the twins, Pumpkin and Pound. Although they do make a lot of cakes."

"Sweet," Scout said, grinning.

"Quite literally, I would imagine," Medic quipped.

Pinkie Pie bounced up to the door, and opened it for everyone. The mercenaries all filed inside... and immediately became hungry. The scent of freshly baked bread, cookies, pies, and cakes filled the air, the inside of the shop filled with warmth and love, although Miss Pauling couldn't tell what it was.

"What is this..." she said softly. "Feels weird..."

"Feels like home," Heavy rumbled, smiling. "Reminds me of when mother would make bear pie for Christmas."

Fluttershy looked alarmed at this, but Heavy didn't notice. The mercenaries, at Pinkie's prompting, went inside.

Playing in one corner of the room, making little cakes in a toy oven, were a pair of cream-colored foals. One a pegasus colt with brown hair, the other a unicorn filly with orange hair. Neither sported a cutie mark, but they were clearly enjoying themselves. When they noticed Pinkie, they went over and gave her a hug.

"Hiya Pound! Hiya Pumpkin! You makin' treats?" Pinkie said, scooping up the foals and glomping them. "You helping your parents?"

"We made cakes!" the colt, Pound said, fluttering his wings happily.

"Wanna try them, Auntie Pinkie?" the filly, Pumpkin said.

"Sure do!" Pinkie Pie said. The mercenaries watched idly as Pinkie Pie sampled the simple cakes, playing it up as if they were delicious.

"Now that's downright adorable," Engineer said, grinning. Although he couldn't escape a feeling of melancholy. He missed his daughter... He was distracted from his depression, however, when a chubby Earth pony mare with a matronly air about her came up to them.

"Hello, dearies," Cup Cake said. "My name is Cup Cake. Welcome to Sugarcube Corner."

"Ma'am," Engineer said, tipping his hardhat to her.

"Sweet place y'got here," Scout said. "In more ways than one."

"Yes, it is an eye-catching design, isn't it?" Cup said, grinning.

Spy went around, quickly introducing everyone. "We are... currently displaced from our reality, these forms not our own. We are currently trying to find a way back home, with the help of Princess Twilight. As payment, we are joining her guard for the duration of our stay, helping to protect this fine town."

Cup Cake nodded. "Well, it's wonderful to have you here," she said. "Honestly, with everything that's happening, the more help the merrier. Is there anything you'd like?"

"Anything with sour cream in it," Soldier said automatically.

The other mercenaries gave Soldier irritated looks, but Cup Cake took it in stride. "We do have some sour cream muffins left," she said. "Amazingly. Derpy must be trying to cut back on the carbs."

Spy scowled at the use of the unflattering nickname for the Muffins.

"...You can actually make pastries with sour cream in it?" Sniper asked, looking astonished.

Cup Cake nodded. "Uh huh! It's not a very hard recipe," she said.

"Huh… Learn something new every day," Sniper said.

"You'll forgive us if the rest of us don't order anything," Spy said. "We lack funds, and..."

"You never mind that," Rarity said. "We'll pay for your treats this time."

Engineer smiled. "Right nice of you, ma'am," he said.

"Tish tosh," Rarity said. "You're volunteering your services and far away from home and family. The LEAST we can do is buy you something sweet to eat."

"...Very well," Spy said. "Some chocolate chip cookies, if you have them."

"That sounds good, actually," Scout said. "With milk?" he asked hopefully.

Cup Cake giggled. "Certainly."

"Rum cake, if you have it," Demoman said. "Also, I've got a recipe or two of my own to offer you in trade. Including a whisky and rye apple pie."

"Oooh, I like that one!" Pyro said.

"You tried to make a molotov out of it, darlin,'" Engineer said, amused.

"I still liked it," Pyro said, giggling.

"Whiskey and rye… apple pie?" Applejack said, staring at Demoman.

"Aye," Demoman laughed. "You'd be surprised at how well it goes together. I've got a cake recipe that involves me favorite kind of liquor, scrumpy!"

Applejack let a smirk cross her face. "Bit of an apple connoisseur, ain'tcha?"

Demoman snorted. "I know how to brew, lassie. Give me a batch of old apples and I'll have you a fine cider that will leave you sillier than your pink friend."

"Oh honey, you ain't even BEGUN to see how silly I can get," Pinkie Pie said, grinning wickedly.

"Please don't encourage her," Fluttershy said. "The last person that challenged her turned Ponyville into the site of a prank war of epic proportions."

"Took me weeks to get all the confetti out of my coat," Starlight muttered.

"To say nothing of the mess the party tank armada made of the town hall," Rainbow Dash said. "Which _I_ got blamed for."

"...Tanks as in actual tanks?" Heavy asked.

Pinkie Pie nodded "Oh yeah! There's an entire line of heavy party artillery! Party cannons, party launchers, party tanks..."

"Really now," Heavy said, looking interested. He felt an odd twinge along his flanks, looking down at them in confusion.

"What happened?" Medic asked.

"Tingle in my sides," Heavy said, looking down at his flanks with suspicion.

Pinkie giggled. "It was when I talked about party artillery, wasn't it?" she asked.

"Da. Why?" Heavy asked.

Rainbow Dash got it. "Tanks, cannons, launchers… And your name is Heavy."

"Heavy Weapons Guy, da," Heavy said.

Rainbow Dash nodded. "There you go. When you start getting into something that's directly related to your special talent, you get a tingle in your cutie mark. I feel it every time I get ready for a race or a big stunt."

"Fascinating!" Medic said, grinning widely.

"...Anyone ever tell you got a bad case of the evil grins there, pardner?" Applejack said, cringing.

"That's his default smile," Spy said, amused. "He can't help it."

"I've tried non-evil smiles," Medic said. "But it just looks like I'm farting."

Rarity grimaced, most of the others at the table chuckling.

Miss Pauling glanced around. "This is a rather nice place," she said.

"Yeah, it's pretty much the hub of things around town," Applejack said. "And not just 'cause we hang out here a lot."

Miss Pauling nodded "Yes, um… Forgive me, but you seem to have very little in common. A soldier, an animal caretaker, a farmer, fashion designer, a magus, a baker, a princess, a royal aide… How do you all get along so well?"

Applejack shrugged. "We just do," she said.

"We met, things clicked, and here we are," Spike added.

"Friendship doesn't have to make sense, darling," Rarity said. "Friendship is… well, friendship is magic. It attracts, it bonds, it brings even the most eclectic groups together."

"Friendship is magic," Miss Pauling said.

The Equestrian natives nodded. The mercenaries looked thoughtful at this, while Miss Pauling just frowned. "Forgive me, but that sounds like the silliest thing ever."

Starlight chuckled. "The 'silliest thing ever' has beaten some of Equestria's most dangerous foes AND turned them into our allies. Twilight's personal bodyguard was formerly the general of an army that CONQUERED Equestria."

"...You recruit your enemies," Spy said, looking uneasy.

"And we have never regretted it," Fluttershy said, going over to nuzzle Starlight, who blushed brightly.

"Except for the times you've brainwashed us," Rainbow Dash cracked.

"That only happened three times," Starlight muttered.

"Way to ruin the mood, Rainbow Dash," Spike said, scowling.

Rainbow Dash just chuckled, Starlight rolling her eyes.

"You delight in being a dick, don'tcha?" Scout snarked.

"Better a dick than a shrimp, minibug," Rainbow Dash snarked right back.

"Brainwashing?" Medic asked excitedly, interrupting Scout's retort. "Magic can do that?"

"Please don't encourage him," Sniper groaned. "He's been fascinated with magic ever since the Horseless Headless Horsemann first attacked us..."

"That sounds like a fun story," Pinkie Pie said, taking everypony else's orders. The last pony she talked to was Heavy.

"Sandvich," was all Heavy said.

"...What kind of sandwich?" Pinkie Pie asked, smiling.

"Sandvich," Heavy repeated, looking stoic.

Pinkie Pie's eye twitched, and she started to say something, but Engineer stopped her. "Ma'am, just make him any kind of sandwich. He'll eat it," he said. Pinkie Pie stared at him a moment, and shrugged, going back to the kitchen.

Spy leaned forward. "Forgive me for my tone earlier. I didn't mean to imply that recruiting your enemies was a bad thing," he said. "It actually makes reasonable tactical sense."

Rainbow Dash quirked an eyebrow. "We weren't really thinking tactics when we recruited them, though," she said. "We just wanted them to have better lives."

Starlight smiled. "And believe me, my life has much improved," she said.

"...You were an enemy?" Spy asked.

Starlight nodded. "Former leader of an anti-individuality cult," she said. "Plus I… may have tried to destroy time." She grimaced, embarrassed, the mercenaries looking rather impressed. "But Twilight and the others set me right."

Rarity smiled wistfully. "Life in Equestria's become so much better since Twilight came into our lives..." she said softly.

Applejack nodded. "Not downplayin' stuff we ourselves have done, but she's been one of the best things to happen to Ponyville and Equestria in general. Y'all saw that building off on the mountainside behind the castle, right?"

The mercenaries traded confused looks, embarrassed. "Err… No, we haven't," Engineer admitted sheepishly.

Rainbow Dash chuckled, and opened the curtains on a nearby window. The building in question was visible, just barely, from the window. "That's the Friendship School," she said. "Ponies and creatures from all over the world come to learn the magic of friendship and the Six Virtues. We used to teach regularly there, but our responsibilities forced us into part time as time went on. Starlight's the guidance councilor there, Twilight the headmistress."

"My stepmother, Barricade, runs physical activity classes since she was assigned here. Games and such," Fluttershy said. "She can't do as much as some because of her size, though. General Tempest Shadow, who was that conqueror we mentioned earlier, sometimes fills in for her."

"So folks from everywhere come to this school to learn how to be buddies?" Scout asked, looking curiously at the school.

"Uh huh!" Pinkie chirped, busily working on making everyone's treats.

"That's… actually, I really like that idea," Engineer said, grinning. "A school where y'all learn how to be nice to one another." The ponies all traded looks at this.

"Hmph," Soldier said. "Well, Sun Tzu does mention that avoiding war altogether is a way of winning war." He clearly was not enthused by the idea, but he could appreciate it.

"Better a party than a battle if you can avoid it," Demoman nodded.

"We are friends now," Pinkie Pie declared, Demoman laughing.

 _The Administrator would tear that school down with her bare hands if she heard about it,_ Miss Pauling thought sadly. She thought it was a good idea too, but she was well aware of what her boss was like.

As the mercenaries waited for their order, the door opened. And to their surprise, a zebra walked in, elegantly striped with gold bands around her neck and foreleg, a mohawk adorning her head. They got an even bigger surprise when Applejack went over to her and hugged her, the chatting in a language only Spy seemed to understand.

"...The heck? The country girl knows how to speak zebra?" Scout said.

"She's really pretty," Pyro said, smiling.

"...Y'know, I think that's Swahili they're speaking," Engineer said. "Spy? What do you… er, Spy?" An amused look crossed his face, the others turning and chuckling as well.

Spy seemed thunderstruck by the zebra's appearance. The infiltrator was blushing brightly, his wings buzzing a little. A slow smile came over Rarity's face as Scout, annoyed, elbowed him, startling Spy. "Oy. Dumbug. Is that Swahili or not?" Scout asked.

"Technically, it's Zebrali," Fluttershy gently corrected.

"Erm…" Spy stammered, wondering why the hell he was feeling like this. "Yes. I believe so."

"Ah learned it as a kid," Applejack said, coming back over to the group. "Fellers, this is my big sister Zecora."

"A pleasure it is to meet you all," she said, Spy feeling a warmth go through him at the sound of her voice. Zecora didn't seem to notice, and continued. "It seems you will be living in our little town for a while, yes?"

Engineer nodded. "We're helping out for a bit, yeah," he said. "Seems y'all have a big to do going on."

"The trial of a war criminal," Rainbow Dash said, her expression turning dark. "Queen Chrysalis, formerly the ruler of the changeling race."

Scout and Spy traded worried looks. The other mercenaries, save for Pyro, who was staring at something only she could see, looked grim.

Starlight shook her head. "She's rejected every chance at reforming her evil ways that we've given her. The only reason we caught her at all is because her schemes, because of her desperation and lack of minions, have degenerated to being less effective than a children's story villain."

"Hnh. How the mighty have fallen," Miss Pauling said thoughtfully.

"I'm just glad we finally have her in a box," Rainbow Dash muttered. "It was driving everypony nuts having her on the loose."

"Might we get a look at her?" Engineer asked. "It'll help to know what we're lookin' for should the worst happen."

The native ponies all traded uncertain looks. "...We'll see," Rarity said.

Sensing the discomfort of the topic, Demoman decided to change it. "So! Big sister, you said?" the demolitionist asked, his Scottish brogue giving his voice an oddly pleasant timber to it.

"Adopted," Zecora said. "But happily so. I came here as a filly after a falling out with my birth parents."

Applejack grinned happily. "Saved my folks from a chimera attack she did," she said. "I was just a filly at the time, but danged if hearing that my folks was attacked wasn't one of the scariest moments of my life. We was more than happy to make Zecora an Apple after that."

"Aye, a fine thing," Demoman said.

"You certainly are courageous," Spy said, smiling pleasantly.

Zecora blushed a little. Even with the mask, this changeling was rather charming. And she loved his accent. "To be fair, I was just as terrified as the Apples were."

"Courage is FACING YOUR FEARS and then PUNCHING THEM IN THE FACE!" Soldier declared. "Sun Tzu said that!"

Zecora blinked.

"Roll with it," Engineer said.

Zecora blinked again, and shrugged, chuckling. "Anyway. I run the apothecary in town, and teach some staff fighting classes on the weekend," she said. "If you ever need a potion during your stay here, I am more than happy to oblige."

"You and I will talk a lot, I think," Medic said.

Zecora nodded, although she frowned a little at the dismayed looks of his comrades. "Do you all have a place to stay?"

"We'll be living in the castle, if I understood things correctly," Engineer said.

Zecora nodded again, smiling. "Well, you're more than welcome to have dinner with us this evening," she said. "We Apples are always willing to extend our hooves in hospitality."

"Darn' tootin,'" Applejack agreed, nuzzling her big sister affectionately.

Zecora smiled, nuzzling Applejack back. "Well now. I came here for a snack and now I have to go talk to mother about cooking for guests tonight. A lot of them."

Pinkie Pie smiled. "If it helps, I can contribute some bits for catering," she offered.

"Naw, we got this," Applejack said. "We FINALLY got Celestia and Luna to try our Zap Apple Jam. Got a huge order direct from them for it. Even after Filthy Rich takes his cut for distributing it to them, we've been dealin' with a surplus of funds for a while now."

Rarity grinned. "It's always good to hear when a friend is doing well," she said.

Zecora smiled. "I am certain that we will be able to accommodate you all for dinner tonight," she said. "I shall see you all this evening. I shall get my snack at home..." The zebra bowed nobly and left.

"Hm," Spy said. "She's an interesting one."

"Interesting enough to seduce you instead of the other way around," Engineer said, grinning.

Spy blushed. "Well… I have always been one to appreciate beauty. Especially of an exotic nature. I noticed no others of the striped variety as we walked around town."

Spike shook his head. "We don't get many zebras around here. Most stick to Canterlot."

"Place is pretty bustling," Sniper said, watching ponies milling about through the window. "We got a school, a castle, a Princess… Surprised this isn't the capital."

"Oh, darling, you wouldn't believe how much our city has grown since Twilight first came here!" Rarity said. "So much culture and trade coming in..."

"No one's wearing pants," Pyro said, startling everypony. "Why is that?"

"...Well, our tails mostly keep what needs to be covered in check," Rarity said. "As you may have noticed, clothing is optional for most ponies."

"...But you're a fashion designer," Miss Pauling said, confused.

Rarity shrugged. "It never hurts to have something to wear for a special occasion," she said. "I realize, in your line of work, you probably don't have much to do with fashion, but-"

"Actually," Scout said, cutting her off. "I was wondering if you could make anything like a letterman jacket?"

"…Excuse me?" Rarity asked.

"And there was this high collared shirt I liked," Scout continued, looking thoughtful.

"Uniforms," Soldier said firmly. "I am a Soldier and I will NOT be out of uniform… although I'm open to different ideas of uniforMiss.."

"...Actually, I did have several nice jackets and shirts to wear," Spy commented. "This is simply my favorite ensemble."

"There was this one vest I liked," Sniper said wistfully, "lined with fake fur..."

"And hats," Heavy rumbled.

"Oh! Yes, good thinking," Spy said.

"Yeah, gotta have the headgear," Scout agreed.

"I miss my hats," Pyro said.

"Eeyup. Definitely need a new supply of hats," Engineer said. Sniper, Medic, Soldier, and Demoman agreed with the others as well.

"...You lot sound rather serious about your hats," Rarity said, taken aback by this.

"Ma'am, they spend their time shooting exact clones of themselves in the face, with the only difference being the color of their clothing," Miss Pauling said, amused. "It started out simply as a way to differentiate themselves from their clones, but they kept buying new shirts, jackets, pants, hats… Good lord, all the new hats..."

"Hats are a lifestyle, my dear Miss Pauling," Spy said. "A man is not a man without a fine chapeau to wear. And perhaps a fine ensemble to go with it."

"One of the few things he and I agree on," Scout said, the others nodding in agreement.

Rarity went starry-eyed, a grin coming over her face. In the most unexpected place, she had found kinship.

The snacks came. The native ponies had all ordered cake and pie. Scout and Spy both got chocolate chip cookies and milk, Soldier a couple sour cream muffin. Pyro had gotten some jalapeno cupcakes, Pinkie VERY pleased that one of her spicy creations had been ordered, while Engineer had opted for a slice of cornbread. At Spike's suggestion, Miss Pauling had ordered a gem cupcake, the dragoness now staring at her crystal-encrusted treat with confusion. Demoman got his rum cake, smelling it delightedly, and Sniper some lemonade and a slice of apple pie. Medic had ordered a big slice of red velvet cake.

Heavy got a flower sandwich.

"What," Heavy grumbled, "is this?"

"Is sandvich," Pinkie said in an impression of Heavy's voice. She just smirked when Heavy glared at her. "You didn't give me anything specific, so we just gave you a daisy sandwich."

Heavy muttered something unintelligible.

"It's really quite common," Rarity said as she ate her slice of cheesecake. "Good with tomato soup."

Heavy growled. "Is flowers."

"Try it," Engineer said. "It might be good."

Heavy grumbled, sounding almost petulant as he repeated, "Is FLOWERS."

"Just eat it," Spy said, lifting up one of his cookies, fumbling a little with it. "We need to try and improve our reputation after accidentally bringing a fiery timberwolf into town."

Heavy muttered petulantly again, feeling uncomfortable with everyone watching him. Medic scuffed. "Oh, stop being such a baby," he teased.

"Am not baby," Heavy growled, glaring at Medic.

"Baby! Heavy is a big bald baby man!" Medic taunted, cackling merrily. "Too scared of a little bitty sandwich!"

The big stallion snorted. "Medic is lucky he is cute." Heavy snorted, looking down at the sandwich again. Clumsily, he picked up the sandwich and tossed it into his mouth whole, chewing it up noisily. "OMNOMNOMNOM." He gulped it down, looking thoughtful, the others watching intently.

"...Is not bad," Heavy said, his expression deadpan.

Everyone else relaxed, and started in on their treats. For the male mercenaries and Pyro, there was some awkward fumbling at first, but they managed to eat with minimal mess. And immediately fell in love with their treats.

"These are the BEST COOKIES I've ever had! I mean, even better than my ma's!" Scout said, buzzing happily, hovering above the table. "And I don't say that lightly!"

"Care to confirm, Spy?" Demoman said quietly, Spy shushing him. "But aye, this is a fine cake, me lass."

Engineer licked his lips. "Mighty fine cornbread, ma'am," he said. "Taste o'home right there."

Pyro would make a coherent comment but she was too busy savoring the flavor of her jalapeno cupcake. "Mmmrrhmmmhr!"

"DELICIOUS!" Soldier declared. "I will have another!"

Sniper nodded. "Yeah, this is a right proper edible right there," he said, sipping at his lemonade. He noticed Applejack's grin. "I'm guessing these are from your farm?"

"Eeyup," Applejack said. "Pride of Sweet Apple Acres."

"Bonza," Sniper said, nodding and tipping his hat to the farmer.

"Indeed," Medic said. "You and your husband are fine bakers."

Mrs. Cake smiled. "Pinkie does some of the baking too, but thank you," she said. "It's always nice to know that your work is appreciated."

Once everyone had eaten, they started to relax. Rarity and Starlight showed the unicorns the basics of magical telekinesis, both Engineer and Medic proving to be quick studies. Miss Pauling, for her part, was musing on her cupcake.

"Is that a common thing? To eat gems?" she asked Spike.

"Pretty much," Spike said. "We need to eat gems to restore our magic." He chuckled. "It's lucky I'm in love with someone with a talent for finding them and making good use of them. I always have something to eat." He blew a kiss to Rarity, who grinned back at him.

Miss Pauling looked thoughtful. _Gems are fairly commonplace here, then. If… WHEN, most definitely when we get back, I might try to take some with me, sell them for a profit to help fund the Administrator's plans…_ "Ever think about eating the castle?"

Spike shook his head. "I live there, for one thing. Plus, I don't like the taste of those crystals," he said. "Ember does, though. As big as she is now, she can literally eat holes in the walls..."

"Ember?" Miss Pauling asked.

"Current Dragon Lord. Few years older than me," Spike clarified. "There's actually another dragoness living around here I could introduce you to. She's a graduate of the Friendship School, and is named Smolder."

Before Spike could go into more detail, a bluish-white changeling with pinkish wings burst into the store, looking frantic.

"Ocellus?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"Ocellus, darling, what's the matter?" Rarity asked.

Once she caught her breath, Ocellus said, "It's Flim and Flam!"

Applejack groaned. "Those con artists again?" she said.

"Tempest will chase them off," Rainbow Dash said, waving dismissively.

"I don't think she can!" Ocellus said, everyone's eyes snapping to the changeling. "They're at the farm with a lawyer… I think they're trying to lay claim to it!"

"WHAT!?" Starlight shouted.

"How is that possible?!" Fluttershy asked.

"What's going on?" Miss Pauling asked, the other mercenaries getting wary.

Ocellus shook her head. "I don't know. Something about an old bet involving a contest..."

Applejack paled, realizing what was happening. "Y'all stay here," she said to the mercenaries. "This is a private matter that we need to handle."

"But..." Spy started.

"PLEASE!" Applejack said. "Just… Just let us handle it!" She, the other element bearers, Spike, and Ocellus all fled the store.

"...Da heck's going on?" Scout said, confused.

"Oh dear..." Mr. Cake said.

"Explain," Spy said, frowning. He didn't like being in the dark.

Mr. Cake and Mrs. Cake traded worried looks, their children looking worried too. "Well," Mr. Cake said, "a while back, Flim and Flam came with a device called the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000."

Mrs. Cake nodded. "Apple family cider is very popular around here. But because they rely so heavily on old fashioned methods, there's usually not enough to go around."

Engineer started to get it. "And those two yahoos came in promisin' to make more," he said.

Mr. Cake nodded. "They actually did produce more cider, just as good as the Apple family's! But they tried to cheat them out of the farm."

Mrs. Cake nodded. "They gave them an unfair deal which would give them most of the profits, and when the Apples didn't back down, they bet the Acres on a cidermaking contest, drafting Pinkie and the others to help."

Mr. Cake grimaced. "The thing is? ...They technically won. But they had to turn off quality control on their machine to do it, which destroyed a bunch of trees in the process."

"Trixie was wondering what the commotion was," said a voice, everyone turning to see a blue unicorn in a purple, star-spangled cloak and hat. She went up to the counter and leaned on it. "So Flimsy and Flammable are back in town?"

"Um..." Engineer said.

"Flammable?!" Pyro said, grinning excitedly and getting in Trixie's face. Trixie telekinetically set her back with the others, not even flinching.

"I'm afraid so," Mrs. Cake said, Trixie rolling her eyes in annoyance.

"I don't believe we've met," Spy said, looking at the showmare warily. "We are-"

"The mercenaries who came into town recently with a burning timber wolf," Trixie said. "Trixie has heard of you. As for me..." She posed dramatically. "I am the Great and Powerful TRIXIE! Showmare extraordinaire, master of sleight of hoof magic, and personal friend to Princess Twilight Sparkle and her aide, Starlight Glimmer! I'm sure they've mentioned me already."

"No," Soldier said bluntly, the others nodding.

Trixie grumped. "Of course not," she muttered. "So Flim and Flam are trying to collect on that old bet I heard about?"

"Apparently," Spy said.

"Hm. I met them a few times while on the road," Trixie said, paying for some peanut butter cookies. "I think I know a way to drive them off, but I could use some backup."

The mercenaries all stood up, ready to help, but Miss Pauling motioned for them to stop. "We are a mercenary group," she said, ignoring the incredulous looks of the others. "We work for paid contract."

Trixie knew a face-saving maneuver when she was presented with one. "I'll give you five silver bits and some peanut butter crackers," she offered.

"Contract accepted," Miss Pauling said, standing up, ignoring the annoyed grumbling from her teammates. "Mission begins when we reach the farm." The dragon nodded to the unicorn. "Call the dance, Miss Trixie. This is your command."

"Dibs on the peanut butter crackers," Pyro said, grinning.

"No fair!" Soldier protested. "I wanted them."

Trixie snickered. _Oh, this crew's gonna be fun to work with,_ she thought as she collected her cookies. "Well, let's go. You can introduce yourselves to me on the way there. And when we get there?" The showmare smirked. "We'll put on a little show."

 _ **TO BE CONTINUED...**_


End file.
